Ronan's Escape

This obviously brought back a lot of memories. Hard to watch but important.

Twincest

Why Do We Care?

I've asked myself this question a lot lately. As someone who has considered suicide a viable option for decades I have to wonder why the fuck anyone cares if I kill myself? And I don't mean therapists. That's what they're paid to do. Or friends and family. They'll miss you of course. I'm talking about strangers. Even on the internet with absolute anonymity if I tweet or post something about wanting to kill myself somebody somewhere will talk to me and try to convince me not to do it. What is so great about life that we feel this need to stop somebody else from ending it? Even myself. On Tumblr or Twitter I see countless posts about being suicidal and I always try to talk to the people and convince them not to do it even though, at 42, I've lived long enough to see that it doesn't always get better. Is it the shared pain? Is it easier to distance ourselves from our own problems when we're trying to convince someone else that their's aren't so bad? I don't know. But no matter how fucked up or ready to end it I get, if someone posts that they're going to do it there I'll be trying to talk them down. Is there something intrinsically in me that refuses to allow me to finally go through with it? That's what my therapist would like to believe. She insists that there's a tiny little part of me that's fighting away inside trying to steer clear of the end. I am not so sure. Personally, one of my Tumblr friends said it best recently. He said: "I don't really want to die, I just want to be happy again and to have a purpose in my life." However, happiness has been ever elusive, and the longer it takes me to find it, the more tired I get. I wish some of these kind souls who try to talk to me and help me had been there when I was in school. Maybe change would have been easier to come by.

The Nature Versus Nurture Bullshit

I've never really decided where I fall as far as Nature vs. Nurture is concerned. For anyone left in the dark about what that means: there has always raged a debate as to what causes homosexuality. Nature (ie you were Born This Way so put your paws up Little Monsters but I digress) or Nurture (as in your two gay Dad's presented their own version of the happiest couple on Earth so you decided to be gay and never looked back). As silly as I made the latter option sound, there are those who shall remain unnamed (Christian Conservatives and the like) that believe this option to be 100% accurate. They say that being gay is a choice, and therefore, something that you can choose not to be on a whim. Let's be blunt, being gay is not a choice. Period. I love women. As my faghags. Or my Mom. But if you told me tomorrow that I had to start dating women, I would be distraught. I am simply not wired that way. My problem with it being a totally black and white issue is that there ARE certainly outside influences that helped to shape me. I had a violent and verbally abusive then later absent father, a stubborn mother who I became very close to, I always hated sports, I liked disco music.....you get the point. All those character traits and more helped to point me in the bent direction. But 1 thing and 1 thing alone made me buy a shirtless Jim Morrison poster from a head shop on the Jersey shore with allowance money when I was 10 years old: a boner. And that, my friends, is something you can't fake. Just ask Katie Holmes.

The Inside Scoop on Depression

I've never really talked about my personal problems much on a public forum, and this will undoubtedly be the most personal thing I ever write in this manner, but I need to vent, so what the hell. I've suffered with depression nearly my whole life. Lots of people, even friends, don't understand depression at all. These are usually the same people who tell you "Snap out of it! Take a walk and you'll feel better." Even I used to think that to some extent. But depression is much more insidious than that. It affects every facet of your personality and actually changes what type of person you become as you get older. My problems started when I was ten years old and my Dad looked me in the face and called me a worthless little bastard. He was drunk at the time, and my parents were going through a nasty divorce and many nights were spent listening to my Mom get beat up in the other room. I can tell myself now that his comment had nothing really to do with me and distance myself from the emotional wreckage, but I was ten. I didn't understand that then. The die was cast. I was worthless. By the time puberty came and I realized I was different, so did all the schoolyard bullys and the cycle of my low self-esteem had begun. I still have trouble finding worth in myself, even with a therapist's help all these years later. And if you don't feel that your life has much worth, it is always much easier to imagine snuffing that life out, something else I have struggled with. The obvious question would be why aren't I on meds? I was for a time. I am heading in that direction again. But I am not 100% convinced that meds will be my ultimate salvation, or even a part of it. Right now, I pretty much want to be dead every moment of every day. I am simply waiting for whomever is in charge of this shit (I don't necessarily believe in God but who knows) to pull the plug since I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Yet I have a loving family, numerous friends (including some who are aware of what I am going through and who said beautiful things to me about how much I mean to them), and some things about me that should be life affirming. But depression will not allow me to accept these things. It is an everyday battle, and to be sure if you meet me on a normal day I will probably be my gregarious and humorous self. But inside I am in pain and at struggle. I hope to one day either be done with this or not be struggling with it anymore, either because I have finally bit the big one or because I am finally enjoying my life and finding real worth in it. It'd be nice if it is the latter. I'll keep you posted either way.

Elton John - Son of Your Father

Love the Smirk and the Cock :)

Hot Dude With a Missile :)

In Honor of 1 of My Favorite Musicals Closing

One of the best numbers from Billy Elliot the Musical called Express Yourself. It just closed this week on Broadway, sadly. I am hoping that eventually, like with Hairspray, they will make a movie of the musical. Till then, enjoy!

How To Tell Your Korean Mom You Are Gay

This cracks me up every time. I can't help but hear the mother's voice as Margaret Cho's mom lol

Horny Guy Cums on his Desk

Love the cock, love the precum, and awesome cumshot onto the desk :)

One Direction Goes Acoustic

I seriously cannot stop playing this song/vid. It's ear candy of the highest order, if possible made even more gorgeous because we can hear their harmonies so clearly. And it has my Harry in it. *SWOON* He's str8, but nobody's perfect. *SIGH*

New Blogging Excitement

I originally started this blog to post snippets of my novel and get feedback. Phooey! Lets start watching vids and porn and shit. I just need a space to post stuff I'm interested in at the moment, so this has become it until further notice. Enjoy!