The Inside Scoop on Depression

I've never really talked about my personal problems much on a public forum, and this will undoubtedly be the most personal thing I ever write in this manner, but I need to vent, so what the hell. I've suffered with depression nearly my whole life. Lots of people, even friends, don't understand depression at all. These are usually the same people who tell you "Snap out of it! Take a walk and you'll feel better." Even I used to think that to some extent. But depression is much more insidious than that. It affects every facet of your personality and actually changes what type of person you become as you get older. My problems started when I was ten years old and my Dad looked me in the face and called me a worthless little bastard. He was drunk at the time, and my parents were going through a nasty divorce and many nights were spent listening to my Mom get beat up in the other room. I can tell myself now that his comment had nothing really to do with me and distance myself from the emotional wreckage, but I was ten. I didn't understand that then. The die was cast. I was worthless. By the time puberty came and I realized I was different, so did all the schoolyard bullys and the cycle of my low self-esteem had begun. I still have trouble finding worth in myself, even with a therapist's help all these years later. And if you don't feel that your life has much worth, it is always much easier to imagine snuffing that life out, something else I have struggled with. The obvious question would be why aren't I on meds? I was for a time. I am heading in that direction again. But I am not 100% convinced that meds will be my ultimate salvation, or even a part of it. Right now, I pretty much want to be dead every moment of every day. I am simply waiting for whomever is in charge of this shit (I don't necessarily believe in God but who knows) to pull the plug since I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Yet I have a loving family, numerous friends (including some who are aware of what I am going through and who said beautiful things to me about how much I mean to them), and some things about me that should be life affirming. But depression will not allow me to accept these things. It is an everyday battle, and to be sure if you meet me on a normal day I will probably be my gregarious and humorous self. But inside I am in pain and at struggle. I hope to one day either be done with this or not be struggling with it anymore, either because I have finally bit the big one or because I am finally enjoying my life and finding real worth in it. It'd be nice if it is the latter. I'll keep you posted either way.