Monster

This is a pretty disturbing short film which has now been made into a feature length that I can't wait to see called "The Babadook". Enjoy ;)

Billy Elliot The Musical Excerpts

Yesterday I went to see Billy Elliot The Musical Live in a local theater. It was broadcast from London's West End, where Billy is still playing (the Broadway version closed several years ago). It was a beautiful performance that included several surprises. One was that 1 of the first Billys ever, Liam Mower, returned to play older Billy during the Swan Lake scene. It was amazing to see him all grown up and moving as gracefully as ever (apparently he is a renowned ballet dancer though I confess I hadn't known). Another was that the entire show was being filmed for a dvd/bluray release which is awesome news for fans like myself who love both the show and music. Lastly, countless actors who have played Billy over the years returned, including the other two originals from the West End, to do a special finale. It was pretty amazing. For those who may not know, Billy Elliot is about the UK miner's strike and 1 struggling family during that time with a son who discovers, quite by accident, that he has a natural talent for dance. Unfortunately, dancing, and more importantly ballet, is not considered a man's endeavor, especially in the working class confines of Thatcher era Islington. The musical is Billy's story of how he overcomes the odds to follow his dream. This is a collection of clips from the Broadway version of Billy. I saw the West End version once when I visited London and the NYC version 3 times. 3 boys shared the role of Billy at any one time in both cities, but as luck would have it, all 3 times I went to see Broadway's Billy I happened to catch the one featured in this clip, Kiril Kulish. He did an amazing job which is why I've chosen this version to post. You can find loads of clips from all different versions of the show online. The cuts can be maddening, especially if you don't already know the music like me, but its a nice Cliffs Note version of the musical. Enjoy :)

Broken Wing

Your head was held low with a winsome smile
You lied and told me that was your style.
Found out much later it was only a defense,
a cautious, insecure kind of pretense.
But the die had long since been cast,
I had no knowledge of your misplaced past...
and I was yours.


Two souls enraptured and love soon took flight
our bodies intertwined and hands held each night.
Both of us thinking our bond ran more deep,
neither expecting to pay a price so steep.
The glory days were finished before they had started,
We were marking time and dreading when we would be parted...
but the end was near.


What at first seemed like a broken wing
is now revealed to be another thing.
A perilous weight suspended above
held up only by the remaining wisps of our love.
And it won't matter how much love we bring
in the end you'll still suffer more than a broken wing.


Two smiles long since faded to a barren stare
left only a simmering but unspoken fury there.
Moments of joy were infrequent and short,
a half empty bed spoke what we couldn't retort.
The chill of our silence brought nothing but pain
and a quiet but veiled and crushing disdain...
that had once been our love.


Waiting for redemption with fists clenched tight
regretting the day when our love was first given light.
What once seemed like a diamond at first glance,
which we thought would shine brightly given a chance
has now become a countdown to our very demise
inevitably leaving us with tear-stained eyes...
the end has come.


What at first seemed like a broken wing
at last is a wholly other thing.
And all the love I feel for you
can't keep from me what I now know to be true
this dreaded secret, this other thing
treads much deeper than your broken wing.

Hulk vs Superman

When the Trap Beat Hits

Pride?

I was kind of forced to have an internal dialogue with myself recently about whether or not my support of Pride is hypocritical. As anyone who has followed me on any social platform for a while undoubtedly already knows, hypocrisy is a huge pet peeve for me. I mean, lets face it, at some point or another every human is forced by circumstance to be a hypocrite. The trick is to learn from it and not to let it become the norm for you. That said, I would never want to be a hypocrite about something so personally important to me. My followers will also be aware that I am a huge proponent of pride, LGBTI rights, and equality. Though I've had huge issues with self esteem and personal pride, never ever in my life have I not been proud to be gay. I was afraid to tell people as a lot of us are. But in my heart I was always certain that this was a beautiful and unique and amazing thing to call my own. For many years I was the only queer in my family, at least that I was aware of. Only recently did my mother explain that her cousin had passed away and that she was survived by her partner of several decades. I'd met the woman maybe once or twice when I was little and not yet aware of my own sexuality. I felt sad that there was a queer connection right there in my own family that had been kept so hush hush that it took the woman's death for me to be made aware of it. But then she was probably thirty years older than me at least. It was a different generation. Those were different times. I constantly find myself saying things like "Jeez this is 2014 why the fuck is this still an issue?" and I know a lot of us feel that way. Things have changed so much for the better recently. Countless celebrities have come out, queers can openly serve in the military, in some Churches, in government. Many states are starting to balance out the rule of law for queers, whether it be about marriage or job discrimination. I always think back to 1 thing very clearly that reminds me just how far we've come in my lifetime. Fittingly, its music since music has been and always will be an extremely important part of my life. When I was little Boy George was a huge star. You would think that queer visibility would be at an all time high then. The guy was a dude with long hair wearing makeup who wrote songs about being in love with the hot guy who stood behind him on stage for chrissakes! And yet, looks wise he was pushing it as far as he could but it wasn't like he was announcing in every interview "Yes I'm gay and I'm in love with Jon". Far from it. At this very same time Elton John was marrying a woman! And I remember 2 of my classmates having a discussion about George Michael that went something along these lines: "I like that song." "Dude, that guy is gay fuck that song." "He's not gay!" "He's got earrings in BOTH ears, of course he's gay!" (This was long b4 emos and scene dudes remember lol).

So the movement has come a long way and so have I. Yet still I have moments of hypocrisy. And they trouble me. I've never come out to my Dad. Not because I am ashamed to tell him. More because we've never had a close emotional relationship and I don't want to share that part of my life with him. But this weekend when I saw him and his side of the family for a Father's Day get together, the word "faggot" was bandied about at least once about some actor or another as it always is. They've always been racist. Its a part of my family that I abhor and try to be better than every day of my life. So I shouldn't have been surprised or disappointed anew. But I did feel a twinge of disappointment in myself. How can I be all excited about going to NYC Pride at the end of the month in good consicence when I don't defend my and every other LGBTI'ers honor in my own family? The same goes for where I work. I've never actively hid who I am from anyone. But I don't talk openly about who I'm dating. I guess I've always kept it to myself because years earlier I knew it would make people uncomfortable. It probably still would. But fuck them. Why shouldn't I talk about something so important in my life? This came to a head recently when trying to get off of work the day of Pride. The question was bound to come up "What do you need off for?" and I replied "A family thing." though mostly because I was afraid the person in charge of giving me off would not think Pride was an adequate reason to take off. Of course I'm overlooking the simplest explanation. Maybe the shyness that affects every facet of my life affects this part as well. Certainly if you read my Twitter you know that in words I am VERY outgoing. But in person I've always been painfully shy. I can be loud and humorous, but that humor is masking lots and lots of trepidation. I think for now I have to conclude that though it might make me a hypocrite at times it in no way means I am not proud to be who I am. As I said, being gay is 1 of the few things I love about myself without question. In the case of my father, perhaps 1 day I will share that part of myself with him but for now I'd like to avoid any embarrassing and awkward conversations. As for work, I am resolving to be more open about my life with those who are open to it. We should all have Pride not just this month but every day of every year and be honored to stand as one. Let's face it: we wouldn't have gotten nearly this far if the previous generations hadn't done that.

Trick Shots

Not sure about the Mickey D's involvement (is this a commercial?) but these shots are awesome :)

Jevin (A new Tumblr obsession) Warning! Porn obviously! ;P

Jevin is a sexy 20yo Filipino-American dude from Alabama I have discovered on Tumblr recently. I can't do his blog justice here, suffice to say he is WAY more than the amazing pictures I am posting. A lovely guy all around. You can check his Tumblr out here: http://onelonelydinosaur.tumblr.com 

Showoff

Quite possibly 1 of the cutest things I've ever seen lol

Eat It Bitch

As a kaiju fan who absolutely abhors vegetables, this spoke to me lol

Justin Shimmies (and Jerry wiggles)

Yea, I'm so glad somebody giffed this cuz its just awesome on a loop. U can definitely see Jerry making his presence known there ;P

Transmissions from the Afterlife

I died in 2002. Not literally, obviously. But philosophically. For all intents and purposes. It was the first time I ever tried to actually kill myself. After an incredibly long gestation period starting when I was 12 years old and first thought I'd really rather not continue living. At that time a bottle of iodine was my ticket out. It was the only poison we had in the house besides drinking Drano and I somehow had an image in my mind of iodine poisoning being a gentler, kindler way to destroy myself. As crazy and stupid as it sounds, it was my dog that saved my life then. Dogs can be very intuitive and she obviously sensed I was in pain. She snuggled up to me and licked my face and pushed herself into my body and would not move until I had stopped crying. Its weird because we've owned lots of dogs in my lifetime and I've gotten to see how many different kinds react to human emotions, and though all of them seem to sense pain, not all of them will try to ease it for you. I guess I was lucky. For that day at least, the urge was gone. But I stole the bottle of iodine from my mother's medicine cabinet and hid it in my room. My lifelong back-up plan of desperation had been hatched. It stayed with me throughout the next 20 years, waxing and waning with my happiness and contentment but never quite reaching rock bottom again. Until that day in 2002. I'd moved in with my boyfriend of four years. We were living together less than a year when he realized that the fact that he traveled during the week so much for his job was probably what had kept us together so long. He was miserable and hating on me all the time and making me hate myself even more when I should have been kicking his fucking ass and letting him know what an asshole he was. Sometimes I can easily turn depression and sadness into anger and re-channel it. But it wasn't working that Spring. I was also having problems at my job. I was feeling lost. And alone. So on that Tuesday (I can't remember the date cuz fuck that I'm not sure I wanna remember the exact date) while my boyfriend was away on a business trip I decided that now was the time. I bought two boxes of sleeping pills that morning and returned home. We had a dog and I remember planning carefully how not to starve the dog until my boyfriend came home that weekend which is remarkable actually just in terms of how your mind still works when it is at its logical end. I got the hugest bowls I could find and filled 1 with food and 1 with water and went upstairs to get into bed and take the pills. I wrote a note which was, oddly for a long-winded writer like myself, short and to the point and only directed to my boyfriend which is also strange. Then I proceeded to swallow two whole boxes of sleeping pills. You think of weird things when planning your own death. Like did I really want people to find me naked since that is how I normally sleep? Nope. So I dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. A black one, at least. Very demure and slimming for when 8 men carry me out on an ambulance gurney. I also didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts were what had brought me to the point I was at. I had heard enough from them. Did I want to listen to music as the end came? Watch one of my favorite movies? As luck would have it, my dvd player had broken the week before. And all that was on tv was a shitty Danny Devito movie called Heist. I still haven't watched that whole fucking movie. But the few minutes I saw before closing my eyes and waiting out eternity were pretty execrable. I cried a little. Then slept. And then something strange happened. I woke up in a daze at around 11:30 that night. I knew that the pills hadn't worked because it had already been 6 hours since I'd laid down. And I was surprised that I was happy it had not been successful. I got up, tore up my suicide note, kissed the dog, and went back to bed, thinking holy shit I hope tomorrow is a better day. I often think about that night. It puts my lifelong battle with depression and suicidal thoughts into perspective. Though I am not a religious person so I was against thinking of it as a miracle, I did however firmly believe that Fate had saved me for a reason. I knew my battle was not over, and I didn't know what that reason might be, but I was determined to figure it out. I still am. But it does seem to be a long, uphill slope with no further ropes thrown by Fate to help me complete it. But I often tell friends who confess to me that they are feeling suicidal all of the things I've seen or done since that night in 2002 because it really is an amazing list. At that time I had never left the country. Now I've been to Europe 3 times, the Caymans, on a Caribbean cruise. The travel alone has been worth the extra time. But I also saw the birth of my niece and nephew and have gotten to be a loving and positive presence in their lives which is 1 of the greatest things I've ever done bar none. I've also had lots of sex, fallen in love a few more times, made many new friends....well you get the point. To say nothing of trivial but important geek concerns like in 2002 Doctor Who hadn't even returned to television yet. Look at what I would have missed! Thats just me being silly, but I think you all know the topic is a serious one for me. Besides simply venting these thoughts, hopefully if some of you do struggle with these same issues, this will get a point across. To borrow the words of Albert Camus “But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself." I have found this statement to be very true. So here's to hoping that we all continue to find that courage every day that we are granted. There is just too much waiting out there to experience or accomplish not to give it a brilliant try. :)

Porn Made Wholesome

When It Ends

It's quarter to, and three drinks in
your side of the bed's still missing you.
Through gritte teeth I paced the floor,
Nothing much more I can do.

Same old story, searchin for clues
that your body left to join your heart.
Tired of answers shrugged off with anger
and being told I'm not doing my part.


It's hours since you're gone
there's nothing left to rest my hopes on
I'm here baby, saving your place
and counting the minutes just in case
but when the emptiness inside me
snuffs out the everything inside you
then we'll know not to pretend'
that the last few months have been when it ends.


I can't keep guessing the things in your head
when I'm not even sure what's in mine.
I only know I once loved you madly
and swore to keep you forever by design.

So here I sit caressing your favorite shirt
longing to feel your warmth inside
and thinking of all the wrongs we've done
and how our emotions can possibly abide.


I'm left wondering how I'll get by
when all I wanna do is lay down and die.
I'm still here, baby, hoping you'll come back
so we can kiss and make up and get back on track.
Please don't let forever end
with viciousness and poisoned regrets.
Please don't let finality descend
and make this be the moment when it ends.

Tom and the GB Diving Team Know What We Want

This is 1 clip I am quite happy to watch in an endless loop. Tom and the GB Diving Team letting off a little steam in the hot tub ;P

Even Eminem Cleaned Out His Closet

I find it difficult to talk about this issue without thinking in my head "But its 2014!". But that is dismissive, and disillusioned. We constantly hear from the media & the gay community at large how wonderful the new century is with all of the advancements we've made as far as equal rights and acceptance goes. And we have made fantastic strides in both of those areas.When I was a little kid even Boy George, one of the gayest people on the planet, couldn't admit that he was gay to the public. Now, we have so many out celebrities that a Queer version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon can't be far away. As recent as last month, another taboo was squashed when Michael Sam, a gay footballer at the beginning of his career instead of at the end, came out. And yet, despite all of these positive things, three times in the last month online friends or dating prospects have told me almost the the same thing though it might have been worded just a tad differently each time but the meaning was the same: "Please don't write anything gay in my timeline. I don't want anyone to know." Now, regardless of the fact that I think most if not all of these people are kidding themselves by thinking that their families and friends have not caught on (one guy constantly professes his love for Madonna on Facebook and posts all of these strike a pose selfies its ludicrous), I have to say the very notion that in this day and age someone still feels so embarrassed about being gay that they stay closeted and lock away their true selves truly disturbs and saddens me. Some of them go even further than that. They have Tumblr accounts where they post endless homosexual porn pics and say all kinds of filthy things about what they want to do with other men yet when pressed with a serious question by me about it they say they're just fooling around before they get married and have a family. And in my head I'm screaming "You asshole haven't you seen Far From Heaven? Did we just revert back to the 1950's? Do you want to totally destroy some poor woman's life?" And I'm not discounting the fact that some of these men might be bisexual. And I have nothing against bisexuals at all. On the contrary, bisexuals sometimes allow me to feel like I'm fulfilling that whole "Seducing the Alpha Male Str8 Guy" thing. And if there are bisexual men in that situation the only thing that would bother me about it is if they're not being honest about who and what they are. In some ways that might be worse than the gay dude who is in denial that he can curb his desires after having a family. But I was really moved to write this entry by dudes who I know for a fact are gay because they have told me so. And yet most of them still intend to never tell their families. They still intend to fuck around in the closet and then shut that part of themselves off completely when they find a woman willing to marry them. I can't imagine a more depressing future. And yet I hear them responding thusly: "It won't be depressing. I will have a wife who loves me. And children." And I concede that. Having a family seems amazing. But at what cost? If your family is based on a lie then how strong can it really be? And the depressing part comes when you realize ten years down the line that you are unfulfilled and your heart is broken because though you do love this woman you have chosen to marry she is not really the one you want to be sharing your heart with for the rest of your life. Or worse, you get caught one night while your wife is visiting her sister with the kids jacking off some guy you met on Craigslist in the WalMart parking lot. And why? Because you cannot reconcile your religion with who you are. Or your society still stones gay people to death. Or you simply haven't found the courage you need to be yourself and the person you were destined to be. Well this goes out to all of the people who are in situations like I've listed. Come on over to the Dark Side. Christ even Eminem cleaned out his closet in that song. I can't promise it will be all happiness and roses over here, but I can promise you beyond a shadow of a doubt that the truth is always better than a lie. I know the prevailing wisdom is that everyone comes out in their own time. But this is me saying you have the strength. You can do it. Even you, Tom Cruise. Nobody should have to lock their true self away because of the demands of somebody else. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you all. Love Quillboy :)

No comment from me required ;)

Laughed myself to tears over this. The unforgettable cast of the Carol Burnett show cracking each other up ;)