WARNING! SLIGHTLY NAUGHTY CHRISTMAS THEMED PICS OF ME

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals 😉

😘👍🏻😜🎄

Wasn't Anything Special

This is cute

My thoughts on Star Wars: The Force Awakens

*WARNING: THERE BE SPOILERS HERE!*

Full disclosure: I'm not a true die-hard Star Wars fan. Like those people who waited in line for 5 days just to watch a marathon of all 6 films so far which segued into the new film. I'm a huge fan, though. When A New Hope came out we went as a family to see it at the drive-in and I remember being entranced by the story of droids and Wookiees and not even needing the pillow I had brought along so that I could sleep in the back of the hatchback. Cut to 6 years later and I was seeing the final film in the trilogy with my best friend and his brother and I remember the line to get into the theater stretching for 3 blocks. I was officially hooked. 

I also am not one of these "purists" who hates on the prequels. I hate The Phamtom Menace. The other two are flawed but fairly decent, with the third installment being the best. So I went into the new movie with an open mind but also a typical fanboy's requirements. It had to be faithful to the established Star Wars universe but also be new and exciting and make me want to see more of this new trilogy. Did it succeed? Short answer: the Force was definitely with J.J. Abrams. What he produced was a pretty damn kickass Star Wars movie.

Ostensibly the entire plot concerns a search for Luke Skywalker. So the reason people noted that Mark Hamill wasn't in much of the pre-release trailers is because he's not in the film much at all. I could see being a little pissed off about this, but I knew that going in so I wasn't. What we get instead of time with Luke, at least for the first third of the film, is a boatload of new characters which might be taxing if they all weren't so damned memorable. Simply put, Daisy Ridley and John Boyega are spectacular, bringing a new level of acting to this series once abandoned by the stilted Shakespearean speak of the prequels. A quiet scene between the two where they each implore the other to come with them (for different goals obviously) is just one example of how good they are. We've never seen a Stormtrooper with morals before. They've always been impressive looking cannon fodder but little more, so Boyega's turn as a PTSD suffering trooper who slowly discovers his path to heroism (the Han Solo of this trilogy it would seem) is fascinating. Ditto to Adam Driver's personification of confused evil in Kylo Ren. The series up until now has always been fairly black and white where Good and Evil are concerned. Except for Darth Vader, nobody really has shades of grey to their character. So Kylo Ren is intriguing in that he is already in a powerful position on The Dark Side but still has doubts about whether he should be there or not. I've seen some critics complain that a villain shouldn't be weak. Fuck that. It makes him a hundred times more interesting to me, and Adam Driver plays him beautifully, especially in a very crucial scene which I won't fully spoil. At times you can feel the chess pieces being moved into position a bit as far as plot mechanics goes, but all in all, this is an epic new beginning for the Star Wars universe. Can't wait for Episode VIII.

Further thoughts:

- Thankfully, everything, from X-Wing/Tie-Fighter dogfights, to crumbling planets and amazing light saber duels FEELS REAL and even though it is obviously enhanced with CGI doesn't get buried in artificiality by it like the prequels.

- Some of the cinematography and CGI work deserves special praise, especially a light saber battle between our main protagonists in a dark snow covered forest and a showdown between Kylo Ren and our heroes lit only by a single shaft of sunlight. Those scenes definitely harked back to the samurai origins that inspired George Lucas to write the first screenplay.

- Hiring Lawrence Kasdan to co-write the screenplay (he of Empire Strikes Back fame) was a stroke of genius. They still have to recite bullshit scifi speak about heat shields and extrapolators (I think) but it's surrounded by genuine dialogue that makes everything shine. It makes me worried that neither Kasdan or Abrams are returning for the next one.

- Thank goodness for John Williams. I have trouble imagining a Star Wars movie without his CRUCIAL music. Even though I didn't notice any new character themes to speak of (excepting Supreme Leader Snoke's which is definitely a riff on the Emperor's old theme) the movie still benefited greatly from his presence.

- Why is C3PO's arm red? Is he at long last giving in to his queer side and accessorizing?

- Captain Phasma and General Hux, as opposed to the thoughtful villainy of Kylo Ren, are cardboard and boring. And I hated Supreme Leader Snoke. The CGI of his design was awful, especially in such an expensive movie. Hux especially seems like he's playing a Nazi in a panto version of The Sound of Music complete with teeth gnashing and scenery chewing. I also found myself giggling over the enemy plan and imagine General Hux's pitch for it going something like this: "Hey guys, let's do the same stupid thing the Empire failed at twice, only we'll succeed at it cuz ours will be bigger!" At least the name of it was an Easter egg. Luke's name was originally going to be Starkiller instead of Skywalker. So that was cool.

- Did anyone else think there should have been a moment between Leia and Chewie at the end of the movie? That was a missed beat right there.

- I never saw John Boyega before and didn't notice Adam Driver but goddamn if they don't both look sexy as fuck in this movie. How bout some beefcake shots in the press guys, huh? I'll settle for them wearing a Slave Leia bikini. Just sayin.

- "Why don't you take off that helmet?"

"What do you think you will see?"

"The face of my son." Harrison Ford earned his payday with that line alone.

- There are cameos galore in this movie, from a regal looking Max Von Sydow (who I wished had more screen time) to a masked Daniel Craig saying "scum" to holy shit Iko Uwais and two of his co-stars from The Raid. I loved every one.

Now, how bout a new holiday special J.J., and while I think of it don't fuck everything up Rian Johnson!

 

Raincheck Me

PLEASE NOTE: THIS POST IS NOT TO GARNER ATTENTION, TO CRY FOR HELP, OR TO ALARM OR CAUSE WORRY. BESIDES THE ACTUAL PLAN, NOTHING I WILL WRITE HERE SHOULD BE NEWS TO ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME ANYWHERE FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME. AS A WRITER AND A HUMAN, I AM SIMPLY SHARING MY EXPERIENCE.

Everyone knows Christmas depresses me. It's a time when literally everything from the people around you smiling and wishing you to have a happy holiday to the music reminding you how awesome life seems to be for everyone else, is designed to make those of us with special emotional challenges particularly miserable. Not to mention the totally opposite effect retail has on some people so I find myself being angrily shouted at by an insane adult woman who is berating me because she can't get a $2 fruitcake shaped like a brick as a Christmas present for that neighbor she secretly hates anyway at half off like at her local supermarket. Honestly, I love family and good will and romanticism. The religious aspects much less so, but I just try to appreciate the holiday for its base secular joys. And therein lies the problem. Maybe if I was a total Scrooge and disavowed the holiday altogether I would shield myself somewhat. But it reminds me of things I do not have. Like a family of my own. Or money to spend on presents even if it's only for myself. Or a significant other. I am not alone in this. Many queer people (and straights as well) are alone, especially a staggering amount of our elderly. But with my emotional issues and the setbacks my life has taken in the recent past, it becomes extra hard to smile, or want to celebrate, or even to want to continue to live. I've talked about my suicidal impulses a lot on here. They are always there, but sometimes they are merely a whisper as I go about my day. But at this time of year it becomes more like an angry shout imploring me to stop being a failure at the one thing I might have a chance of doing right and get this shit show over with. And so here we are again. Tomorrow was to be the day. I had a plan. I had a will. I wasn't even sad about it this time, unlike my first and so far only serious attempt. Just blank determination. And it would be over. My pain. My loneliness. I could stop feeling so bad because I would simply stop feeling and that sounded good actually. I did feel awful about ruining Christmas for my family. And I found it incredibly hard to write out suicide notes to friends and loved ones even if it was only a blanket statement of love to everyone which maybe was a sign already that the stupid little positive thinking fuck inside of my head that I've been trying to silence my whole life was already fighting back against my decision. But I was still telling myself fuck it I just won't leave any notes then. I knew that would hurt my family. But there was no way of going through with it without hurting them so that was already a given. It wouldn't take much. A few minutes prep. A quick exit. No more pain. Today was to be my day to finish any preparations and steel myself to my objective. But then last night, something happened. Out of the blue, I decided to buy some concert tickets, not even thinking about how crazy it seemed for someone who wasn't prepared to go on living past tomorrow night to be buying a ticket for something over a month away. But I guess the decision can be made that quickly. Then once I had bought the tickets, my head began wrapping itself around the fact that I needed to live long enough to see these artists that I love. In essence, at least for now, music really did save my life.

I should point out the obvious hollowness  of staying alive to see a concert, or a movie, or Doctor Who Series 10 or whatever other ridiculous reason you can grapple onto. You really have to want to stay alive for yourself. Because you have purpose and joy. I still do not have those things, so I am not out of the woods. I may not ever be. But for the moment, I will take what I can get as far as reasoning goes. Maybe if I hold on long enough to to see those artists I love and keep fighting during that time, then something will change. I still think it is unlikely. But not impossible. One of the factors working against me is the sheer multitude of problems I face. If it was only a new job, maybe I could handle it. Or if it was only a new apartment, I'd be able to shoulder the stress. But I need both of those things, plus hopefully money and somebody to share it with. Notice I've dropped all pretense of doing anything with my writing which used to be one of the main dreams I was living for. But I'm beyond that now. That would be a luxury. I need some of the basic foundations of life at this point and I've been more than patient. The least Fate could do is offer me some help for my effort.

At any rate, I've written myself a rain check. Better luck next time maybe, suicide. It's not the first time and it inevitably won't be the last. I still have to get through Christmas, after all. And I will be working through most of it which probably doesn't help. I wish I knew what to do to keep that impulse from returning once and for all. Especially if subconsciously I'm not ready to make good on it. How do some people with such hopelessness and strife continue to wake up and face each day? Sometimes I can barely face myself in the mirror. But for the moment anyway, I'm humming a song and thinking of my next move while pencilling the concert dates into my schedule. I can't promise anyone, let alone myself, that I will even make it that far. But apparently some part of me wants to. And that is always a start. Keep fighting little guy and I'll try to do the same.

Snuffie

Warning: This will be a MEGAPOST because this dude likes to take a lot of selfies THANK GOODNESS! His tumblr is 1 of my favs. If u want to find it and appreciate him it is called HEKTIK. He is another str8 but not narrow dude, so if anyone does check him out please be respectful. This is not intended as copyright infringement at all, merely fan service. Enjoy! ❤️