Two steps forward still feels like two steps back
Said you'd missed me baby but its still the same old track
Goin around in circles and my world is just a blur
Pain and misery rise to the top, gotta give that pot a stir
I've had it with your head games,
I've had it with your lies,
I'm holding on to anger
thats just too big to disguise.
Tell me what to do
to make you love me once more
tell me what to do
to make it like it was before
I miss the glory days and the oh so gentle nights
the softly whispered love songs while you held me ever so tight.
Before lust and desire were killed without cause
by secrets and silences that gave us both pause.
I've had it with your assurances,
I've had it with your walls.
The least you could do is face me,
or answer all of my calls.
Tell me what to do
to bring back your sweet gaze?
Tell me what to do
to get through this spiteful haze?
If this love should end tomorrow I'd hope to look back in kind,
But choices are slowly dwindling and redemption quite hard to find.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
The Real Deal
I've been open and honest about my struggles with depression and suicidal impulses on here. This will not be pleasant to read and I am not looking for validation from anyone, but here is an update. At this point in my life I've been to numerous therapists. I've been on medication. I've tried some spiritual avenues. Nothing has suceeded in making me appreciate my life or make me want to continue to be alive. Of course I have positive things to think about. I love my family and don't want to hurt them. I love my friends with all my heart, either in real life or on Twitter, which has been a bright spot in my life for several years now both for the release as a writer and a place to vent my thoughts and feelings and a place where I have discovered countless wonderful friends who have kept me going (I am sure they know who they are). I love music. It helped to save my life when I was 12 and thinking of killing myself because of bullies at school who were calling me "faggot". But all of that can only mask physical, real life struggles for so long. I do not think my life will get better from this point on. So I am kind of marking time. I've been marking time for a decade now. And I'm not sure how long I can go on marking time. Every day is a struggle for me, but I face it head on and try to do my best. Know that there is nothing any1 else can do for me. There is nothing that can be said. It is my journey, and I must walk it alone. To what end, I am still not sure. If you see me stop tweeting for more than a couple of days without explanation, it should be fairly obvious. But for today, I am still fighting. And I love all of my followers and friends online, all of my friends and family in real life, and any1 who has ever said a kind word to me and given me strength to get through one more day. This day, today, appears to be yet another I will conquer :).
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Protect Me From What I Want
This lovely (and undeniably hot) short film stars Elliot Tittensor (Carl from the UK version of Shameless) as a chav lookin for love. The only thing that could have made it better would be if he had been the bottom (yea, he's a fav of mine). Enjoy! :)
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Videos I Can't Stop Watching #2
One Direction - One Way or Another. Yes, I am a gay man, so cute guys doing synchronized dancing is always a draw. But even if u only follow this group a little, this vid has more than enough to hold ur interest. Like: 1) The guys filming part of the vid in an airport lounge which makes me wonder how hard it was to clear that area so they could run around and sing and dance there. 2) The fact that it is a totally kickass Blondie cover. Hello? Blondie rules 3) Zayn under the covers, Niall in the shower, Harry being cradled by two very manly looking men, etc. etc. 4) The concert scenes which is where those synchronized dance moves start to come in. The crowd moving in unison looks awesome 5) Niall and Louis being backup dancers for Liam. Enjoy! :)
One Direction - One Way or Another. Yes, I am a gay man, so cute guys doing synchronized dancing is always a draw. But even if u only follow this group a little, this vid has more than enough to hold ur interest. Like: 1) The guys filming part of the vid in an airport lounge which makes me wonder how hard it was to clear that area so they could run around and sing and dance there. 2) The fact that it is a totally kickass Blondie cover. Hello? Blondie rules 3) Zayn under the covers, Niall in the shower, Harry being cradled by two very manly looking men, etc. etc. 4) The concert scenes which is where those synchronized dance moves start to come in. The crowd moving in unison looks awesome 5) Niall and Louis being backup dancers for Liam. Enjoy! :)
Videos I Can't Stop Watching #1
Kylie Minogue - Get Outta My Way. Never mind that this song is AMAZING! A total dance floor stomper with the type of message all gay men love but shouldn't: female empowerment at the expense of a guy. Basically, respect whatcha got or I'm walking. Then u have an incredible assortment of half-naked dudes dancing around her and I love the choreography, so simple but so cool. And of course, the incredible Ms. Minogue herself. She rocks.
Then I discovered this, which was, incredibly, even more gay if thats possible. A bunch of what I am assuming is porn actors singing, dancing, and miming the lyrics to Ms. Minogue's hit in tribute. I am putting these in my blog mostly because I can't stop going to YouTube to watch them and this will simply make it easier for me to find them. Hopefully you enjoy them as well :)
Kylie Minogue - Get Outta My Way (Boys Tribute)
Kylie Minogue - Get Outta My Way. Never mind that this song is AMAZING! A total dance floor stomper with the type of message all gay men love but shouldn't: female empowerment at the expense of a guy. Basically, respect whatcha got or I'm walking. Then u have an incredible assortment of half-naked dudes dancing around her and I love the choreography, so simple but so cool. And of course, the incredible Ms. Minogue herself. She rocks.
Then I discovered this, which was, incredibly, even more gay if thats possible. A bunch of what I am assuming is porn actors singing, dancing, and miming the lyrics to Ms. Minogue's hit in tribute. I am putting these in my blog mostly because I can't stop going to YouTube to watch them and this will simply make it easier for me to find them. Hopefully you enjoy them as well :)
Kylie Minogue - Get Outta My Way (Boys Tribute)
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Not A Very Good Day To Die Hard As It Turns Out
I love the Die Hard series. Of all the 80's action heroes, Bruce Willis was the closest to an Everyman who got hurt but still came back to kick ass and crack wise. He's also the one, at least on celluloid, who has aged the best. Arnie and Stallone look pretty haggard in their latest ventures but John McClane, though he obviously looks much older, still seems like he could blow a few people away and run several blocks before using a bazooka to take down a helicopter. Much of that is probably down to acting skill, since Willis was also always the action hero with the highest acting pedigree. So Willis is still game and not a problem here. What is a problem is pretty much everything else, though Jai Courtney is nice to look at (especially during the opening credits when the camera follows his ass pretty closely for a minute). Let's start with the script. Every Die Hard film, even the 2nd one which I absolutely hate, has to begin with a killer plan. Not so here. Even before the opening credits stop rolling we're embroiled in a Russian political plot which seems ripped out of Delta Force thirty years ago. There isn't much of a plan to speak of, except that there are lots of disposable bad guys looking for a political prisoner whom McClane's son Jack is supposed to be protecting. Willis arrives in Mother Russia looking to see his son and is instantly stealing cars, causing fifty car pile-ups on major highways, and shooting his way out of identical looking buildings. All of this might be acceptable if it had any subtlety or verve, but a summary scene of Willis' NYC cop at the beginning of the movie speaking with a young upstart (who calls him "Grandpa" yuk yuk) is all we get to suggest McClane has any kind of life outside of his cartoonish ability to jump out of 12 story windows without getting hurt. My feeling with outlandish action set pieces has always been this: If I am into the movie and the action has built up, I can stomach it. But right off the bat John McClane is driving a jeep that flips over 20 times after which he rolls out and jogs 2 miles to follow our pedestrian villians. You can't start at 11 and go up from there unless you're filming a spoof, and several scenes veer uncomfortably close to the Scary Movie version of an action comedy, including one where Willis and son arm themselves with an endless supply of elephant guns and ammo while refusing to bond like a normal father and son. Its also a bad idea to be self-referential, thereby calling attention to just how lame and outdated your own script is. One of the main villians tells McClane after opening a can of whupass on him "This isn't 1986! Reagan isn't even President anymore!" And thats a surprise since most of this movie seems to have been lifted directly from that overblown decade. The previous entry in this series worked so well because the villian/plan/plot was up to date and Willis obviously was not, yet he still managed to say "Yippe Kay-ay motherfucker!" and get the job done (at least in the unrated version *SIGH*). This movie also continues the odd but understandable pop culture fascination with Chernobyl, which often makes me wonder if there is anything else going on at the Russian Tourism Board. At least in a movie like Chernobyl Diaries the site is used to great effect. Here its simply a desolate battleground for numerous explosions and to raise further questions in my uneducated head about nuclear fallout. Like, can several hundred pounds of high grade uranium explode without giving McClane and his son cancer in the next few days? Maybe that will be in the next sequel. I was also scratching my head trying to decide if a substance our stock enemies use to turn a highly irradiated room into a safe area in a matter of minutes was either science fact or science fiction, but I'm guessing the latter. So, what then did I like, if anything, about this dismal entry in the Die Hard canon. Willis is always fun and still has several choice lines even if they simmer over into parody, especially one where his son wants to give up and he offers to take him home and fix him some milk with a little Bosco in it. The direction, though mostly awful, does feature some amazing explosions and gunfire which is always nice in an action movie. We also get one of the best deaths for a villian since the camera slo-moed on Hans Gruber as he began to fall to his death so many years ago. There is also the inclusion of Mary Elizabeth Winstead from Live Free or Die Hard in bookending scenes as John's daughter, which is nice but Justin Long would have made me even happier. So, all in all, not very good. I probably took much longer to write this review than the screenwriters took to write the movie which should say something in and of itself.
I love the Die Hard series. Of all the 80's action heroes, Bruce Willis was the closest to an Everyman who got hurt but still came back to kick ass and crack wise. He's also the one, at least on celluloid, who has aged the best. Arnie and Stallone look pretty haggard in their latest ventures but John McClane, though he obviously looks much older, still seems like he could blow a few people away and run several blocks before using a bazooka to take down a helicopter. Much of that is probably down to acting skill, since Willis was also always the action hero with the highest acting pedigree. So Willis is still game and not a problem here. What is a problem is pretty much everything else, though Jai Courtney is nice to look at (especially during the opening credits when the camera follows his ass pretty closely for a minute). Let's start with the script. Every Die Hard film, even the 2nd one which I absolutely hate, has to begin with a killer plan. Not so here. Even before the opening credits stop rolling we're embroiled in a Russian political plot which seems ripped out of Delta Force thirty years ago. There isn't much of a plan to speak of, except that there are lots of disposable bad guys looking for a political prisoner whom McClane's son Jack is supposed to be protecting. Willis arrives in Mother Russia looking to see his son and is instantly stealing cars, causing fifty car pile-ups on major highways, and shooting his way out of identical looking buildings. All of this might be acceptable if it had any subtlety or verve, but a summary scene of Willis' NYC cop at the beginning of the movie speaking with a young upstart (who calls him "Grandpa" yuk yuk) is all we get to suggest McClane has any kind of life outside of his cartoonish ability to jump out of 12 story windows without getting hurt. My feeling with outlandish action set pieces has always been this: If I am into the movie and the action has built up, I can stomach it. But right off the bat John McClane is driving a jeep that flips over 20 times after which he rolls out and jogs 2 miles to follow our pedestrian villians. You can't start at 11 and go up from there unless you're filming a spoof, and several scenes veer uncomfortably close to the Scary Movie version of an action comedy, including one where Willis and son arm themselves with an endless supply of elephant guns and ammo while refusing to bond like a normal father and son. Its also a bad idea to be self-referential, thereby calling attention to just how lame and outdated your own script is. One of the main villians tells McClane after opening a can of whupass on him "This isn't 1986! Reagan isn't even President anymore!" And thats a surprise since most of this movie seems to have been lifted directly from that overblown decade. The previous entry in this series worked so well because the villian/plan/plot was up to date and Willis obviously was not, yet he still managed to say "Yippe Kay-ay motherfucker!" and get the job done (at least in the unrated version *SIGH*). This movie also continues the odd but understandable pop culture fascination with Chernobyl, which often makes me wonder if there is anything else going on at the Russian Tourism Board. At least in a movie like Chernobyl Diaries the site is used to great effect. Here its simply a desolate battleground for numerous explosions and to raise further questions in my uneducated head about nuclear fallout. Like, can several hundred pounds of high grade uranium explode without giving McClane and his son cancer in the next few days? Maybe that will be in the next sequel. I was also scratching my head trying to decide if a substance our stock enemies use to turn a highly irradiated room into a safe area in a matter of minutes was either science fact or science fiction, but I'm guessing the latter. So, what then did I like, if anything, about this dismal entry in the Die Hard canon. Willis is always fun and still has several choice lines even if they simmer over into parody, especially one where his son wants to give up and he offers to take him home and fix him some milk with a little Bosco in it. The direction, though mostly awful, does feature some amazing explosions and gunfire which is always nice in an action movie. We also get one of the best deaths for a villian since the camera slo-moed on Hans Gruber as he began to fall to his death so many years ago. There is also the inclusion of Mary Elizabeth Winstead from Live Free or Die Hard in bookending scenes as John's daughter, which is nice but Justin Long would have made me even happier. So, all in all, not very good. I probably took much longer to write this review than the screenwriters took to write the movie which should say something in and of itself.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Before Your Smile
This 1 goes out to my man. This is 4 u JP. Poetry was never my strong suit but this comes from my heart....
Before Your Smile
Before your smile, my happiness was adrift
I doubted I would ever receive such a perfect gift.
With a sexy voice, and a loving air
You've made me realize how deeply I care
that your hopes and dreams forever come true
with me standing right alongside of you.
Your love and support makes me grateful to be alive.
It gives me a reason for contentment and a reason to thrive.
That we might wake up in each other's arms one day
fills me with passion and more excitement than I can say.
So thanks my love for helping me to make this call
but before your smile I wasn't really living at all.
Before Your Smile
Before your smile, my happiness was adrift
I doubted I would ever receive such a perfect gift.
With a sexy voice, and a loving air
You've made me realize how deeply I care
that your hopes and dreams forever come true
with me standing right alongside of you.
Your love and support makes me grateful to be alive.
It gives me a reason for contentment and a reason to thrive.
That we might wake up in each other's arms one day
fills me with passion and more excitement than I can say.
So thanks my love for helping me to make this call
but before your smile I wasn't really living at all.
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