The Real Deal

I've been open and honest about my struggles with depression and suicidal impulses on here. This will not be pleasant to read and I am not looking for validation from anyone, but here is an update. At this point in my life I've been to numerous therapists. I've been on medication. I've tried some spiritual avenues. Nothing has suceeded in making me appreciate my life or make me want to continue to be alive. Of course I have positive things to think about. I love my family and don't want to hurt them. I love my friends with all my heart, either in real life or on Twitter, which has been a bright spot in my life for several years now both for the release as a writer and a place to vent my thoughts and feelings and a place where I have discovered countless wonderful friends who have kept me going (I am sure they know who they are). I love music. It helped to save my life when I was 12 and thinking of killing myself because of bullies at school who were calling me "faggot". But all of that can only mask physical, real life struggles for so long. I do not think my life will get better from this point on. So I am kind of marking time. I've been marking time for a decade now. And I'm not sure how long I can go on marking time. Every day is a struggle for me, but I face it head on and try to do my best. Know that there is nothing any1 else can do for me. There is nothing that can be said. It is my journey, and I must walk it alone. To what end, I am still not sure. If you see me stop tweeting for more than a couple of days without explanation, it should be fairly obvious. But for today, I am still fighting. And I love all of my followers and friends online, all of my friends and family in real life, and any1 who has ever said a kind word to me and given me strength to get through one more day. This day, today, appears to be yet another I will conquer :).