When Bankruptcy Becomes Hot

Since I've talked about them before I'm going to assume everyone is pretty aware of my body/self-loathing issues. They are what they are. The fact is, fear of rejection kept me a veritable monk for a long time after my last long term relationship broke up. Not only the relationship was broken. I was broken. Recently, after meeting a ton of lovely people on the net who were into normal things every other person takes for granted (camming, trading selfies, etc.) my confidence was built up enough that I was having a grand old time doing all of those things I'd been afraid to do for so long. I still can't believe I've posted my nudes on a public page for all to see. For me, that was an amazing leap in my self-esteem. Not that I think anyone should WANT to see me naked. I'm simply happy some people do & have now become willing to oblige them because it makes me happy and horny to do so. But inside I still can't believe that I am worthy of being looked at. I realize this is a terrible place to begin any form of relationship. One of the pillars of having great friends and an amazing lover/life partner is and will always be "You have to love yourself first or how can anyone else be expected to love you?". I agree with this wholeheartedly and yet I am hoping to someday prove it wrong because it doesn't seem to be happening with the whole lovin myself bit. I tolerate myself. I would certainly hang out with myself in short bursts. But love myself? Not likely. And thats fucked up. But I don't know how to fix it.

All of this is brought up by a persistent loneliness. Camming, selfies, phone sex and the like are all very hot and amazing and quite fulfilling at times. But they tend to leave me lonely afterward. They're sort of a bankrupt form of emotional connection. Once the hardon goes away you're still there alone with your thoughts and insecurities and faults and often I find myself weighed down even more by them because the other person is only some text on a screen at that point and there's only so much comforting that can really do for a live and complicated human being who also longs to be in someone's arms, smell their scent when they put their head down on your chest, and know every line and curve and birthmark on their body up close. It probably doesn't help that I don't think I am very good at camming and all of those other things. I try to go through the motions but it often leaves me feeling more insecure and inadequate after someone tells me to talk dirty to them and I fail completely and then when the call ends I'm left with the burden of sucking at everything else AND now also sucking at phone sex. It is a sad, vicious cycle. I'm making light of it a bit, but there is truth there. I needed to vent this shit, so there it is. Let me just state for the record that I appreciate all of my friends whether in real life or on the internet and I am happy that some of them seem to appreciate me in a way that allows me to also vent sexual frustrations. I just hope that 1 day they won't be frustrations at all but simply a comfortable part of my life in addition to the up close and personal kind which by that point I will not find daunting at all because I will be amazingly comfortable with my body and myself. It is a lovely goal. Here's hoping...