Truthful Phone Calls

Do you ever really say what you're thinking one hundred percent of the time over the phone? First of all, I hate talking on the phone. There's an unwritten law when people talk on the phone that the conversation will go like this: I tell you some cool stuff that's been happening in my life, you tell me some cool stuff that's been happening in your life, we both agree we need to talk more often, and then we hang up and go back to our pretty much totally uncool existence. Unless your friend DOES happen to be cool in which case my sympathies cuz that must be frustrating as fuck. But my point is: in this preordained strokefest, where could you possibly find time to fit in the fact that you cried yourself to sleep the previous night because you found a gray pubic hair and you weren't quite ready for that shit? Or maybe my friend found out that his 12 year old was planning to kill him and he's obviously worried. But are you going to tell somebody that whom you only speak to over the phone every 6 months? Probably not. By the way, both of these things may or may not have happened. That's not the point. As someone who prides himself on not being a hypocrite and wearing my heart on my sleeve, I find the false cheeriness of phone calls sort of offensive. That's not to say I always need to have honesty. Unless I already lust after my friend I don't need to know that he jerked off with the same hand he used to dial the phone. But too often I find myself saying "I'm fine" when I'm really not. Or "Yes let's get together" when I know damn well this person can't be trusted to commit to a breakfast cereal let alone complicated plans to hang out several weeks from now. I guess I'd prefer a happy medium where we COULD be honest if we wanted to without being embarrassed. Maybe its just me and my weird sense of male upbringing that taught me never to show emotion or admit that I need help (though I have done both on occasion and often when it was required). Even recently though this doesn't relate to a phone call but a straight male friend hurt me pretty bad by standing me up. I know he didn't mean it and I know it was silly but I was truly upset. But because he was straight and I didn't want him to read into my feelings I kept them to myself. Yet here I am a month later still hurt by that silly little incident. I guess the take-away is that feelings are very complex and I hate having to disguise them over a phone call where we both talk about everything but what we're really concerned about. But I suppose the opposite could be incredibly uncomfortable as well.

"Hi Sally, how are you?"

"Awful. I've had diarrhea for six days. I can barely leave the house."

"Oh my God. I'm so...sorry. Are the kids doing all right at least?"

"Kevin is doing amazing. He took first place in the county spelling bee. I'm so proud of him. But he has ADHD so we've got him on a Ritalin cocktail. Karen...she shit herself on the school bus yesterday (sobs erupt). I just don't know what to do with her. I'm speaking to a priest now. But enough of my problems (blows nose loudly). How are you?"

"I can't say anything better than I'm maintaining. Even when my husband is in the room I'm so lonely I want to die. Essentially my pillow is so wet from the tears that I feel like I'm sleeping in a water bed every night. You know, the usual."

Honestly, I REALLY don't want to have that phone conversation either. But I will try to tell people important things like "I miss you" or "I love you" or "You hurt me" or "I am hurting" when it is required. I'll just shoot for that happy medium in between soul-baring/crushing honestly and pointless blather. Be back later I have to go make a phone call to my friend.