One of the major stories in queer news this week is the gay couple who was attacked in a BBQ joint and had a chair thrown on their heads. Anti-gay violence and hate crimes always draw my attention. They make me both angry and desperately sad at how far we still have to come as human beings as far as love and equality goes. But this morning, this story took a strange turn when it was revealed that the man who threw the chair (he is black and the couple are both white) is also gay. Despite the fact that he shouted "faggots" when throwing the chair, word is that this suspect is also a gay man which troubled me deeply if only because it glaringly points out one of the major problems we as a queer community have faced from the very beginning of our civil rights struggle: A community at war with itself cannot effectively wage a war on somebody else. If the blacks and their allies on that fateful bridge in Selma, Alabama all those years ago had been busy arguing over who was going to march in the front, males or females, young or old, they would have much more easily been swept under the rug of history and not made the long term difference that they did. They were unified, at least in so far as their immediate goals were concerned. Unity is something that can be quite hard to find in the LGBTQI ranks. I can personally testify to having walked into several "lesbian bars" unknowingly in my day where my friends and I received a rather chilly reception because we had dicks between our legs. I was always mystified by that. As a community our main struggle is to make people accept us as equals so that we can be treated with the same rights as everyone else. But if we can't even see each other as equals, how far do we really expect to carry this fight? Just to finish off the impetus for this post, apparently the white couple called the chair throwing suspect both "trade" and "nigger". All of this is hearsay at this point. I wasn't there so I don't know what really went down, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've seen either a white queer calling someone a nigger or a black man violently beating up a gay man.
The movie Milk features a telling scene about the early days of gay liberation which still resonates today and concerns this very same issue. One of the power gays in San Francisco, the editor of the Advocate magazine, tells Harvey he is far too "out" to be elected. He also blasts the area where Harvey lives and works, The Castro, for being a den of sin where drugs and sex are copious. Harvey, as we all know in real life, was not one to be an apologist about who he was and what he did. He demanded acceptance because its what was right, up until the day he died. I've always hated this outlook, usually coming from rich Conservative gays in power, that the community as a whole has to homogenize itself lest it be denigrated in the public eye. You see it every year at Pride when there are arguments about whether or not to allow leather dudes to wear assless chaps in public. It sounds silly when you put it that way, and obviously you want to maintain some sense of decorum when there are families involved, but the idea that the community as a whole has to deny that we're still lustful beings who yes sometimes smoke pot or visit a tearoom seems ridiculous and hypocritical to me. Even in my early twenties I could read between the lines of The Advocate which is why I've never been a regular reader of that magazine. There were countless ads for Rolex watches and Armani suits and extended European vacations. It always seemed to be promoting a life I knew nothing about, and sadly probably never will. But beyond that, it also made me feel invalidated in a way. Like if I COULDN'T manage to buy or do those things I somehow didn't measure up to what a mainstream queer was supposed to be. I digress, because lets face it, I will NEVER be a mainstream queer. I'm a sexed up liberal white trash anarchist queer, thank you very much, so admittedly, not many magazines personally speak to me. But a gay magazine should be inclusive to all in its community as I see it. The same thing applies to interviews with celebrities either gay or straight in queer media. They sometimes bend themselves over backward NOT to ask any questions about being a gay icon or having gay fans or, God forbid, if they've ever had a queer experience themselves. Its disingenuous to me. That's why I've always loved Attitude magazine. I certainly don't expect an interviewer to ask Tom Daley when was the last time he had bum sex, but I don't expect them to actively suppress Tom's opinion about what straight celeb he'd most list to shag either. The myth is that once we reach a certain age, we should be married with kids and leading a lovely but boring life filled with expensive clothes and material possessions. Which can be quite fulfilling for some. But certainly not for everyone.
The same can be said for gay black men. I've dated several, never to the point where I would have to deal with their families and friends on any kind of extended level, but enough to see just how abusive they can be to one another, whether it was straight peers doing the abusing or fellow queers. In some respects its still considered much more acceptable to do the whole "down low" thing and get married and have kids instead of actively calling yourself gay and marrying another man. I find it incredibly sad. In a community that's already gone through so much as far as civil rights is concerned and considering recent events in Baltimore will no doubt continue to do so, its almost like queer men of color have to face a double identity crisis.
Consider the average gay dating app. Perusing several profiles will undoubtedly uncover a phrase that goes something like this: "No Asians, fats, or fems." Disregarding the fact that this is a disgustingly racist statement, its also far too prevalent in queer life. And look, I understand everybody has their likes and dislikes. Even Stevie Wonder on LSD could figure out that I usually go for skinny dudes, but I would never, ever dream of putting a sentence like that in a dating bio. Least of all because its hypocritical since I am a fat guy, but even beyond that, because I would never want to limit myself in that way. Perhaps the soulmate of the dude who wrote "No Asians" in his Grindr profile happens to be Asian, but because he is a prejudiced asshole, he will never find him. Further, the whole "No fems" thing belies a self-loathing quality about most gay men that I find pitiful. Again, I understand it to some extent, I wouldn't want to find myself dating Richard Simmons because he's just not my type. But crossing ALL men off the list who can't one hundred percent pass as straight seems ridiculously self-defeating. There's far too much exclusion and in-fighting in the queer community at times. These are only a few small examples of a much bigger problem. But it highlights why I love Pride so much. Usually, at least for that one day, all barriers are broken down (usually with the help of alcohol, or fancy dress, or drag, or confetti, or whatever) and we can all celebrate the one thing that unifies us and our straight allies. Community can be an overused word that sometimes doesn't live up to its hype. But on those rare occasions when it actually does happen, its a truly magical thing. I think we still have a long way to go if we ever hope to fulfill the promise of that word so that we can truly hope to live up to it. But I'll keep my fingers crossed in the meantime.
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