trying to write my goodbye note.
Thought about it every day
I should know every line by rote.
But the words don't flow easy
and the page goes damp with tears.
Why is this abandonment so hard
when I've been planning nothing but for years?
Thought this goodbye would be smooth
like the deer in headlights who can't move.
No more wasted thoughts and without a word
one final act revealing everything is absurd.
Thought this goodbye would bring me peace
so that all of my heartache might cease.
But one halting voice in my head
makes me doubt the distance I must tread.
So I turn the words over
repeatedly in my mind.
Hope, love and contentment
seem quite impossible to find.
As the one frightened part of me
jockeys for full control
I ponder what I might need
to at last make me feel whole.
Thought this goodbye would end all debate
and any questions I had regarding my fate.
No more confusion, no more distress
no more questionable future I can't hope to address.
But that one halting voice refuses to be still.
How long it might continue is simply an act of will.
Until silence reigns and pain does subside
I'll just be here with trepidation as my guide.
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