Limits and Deal Breakers

I've become fascinated by the subject of limits lately. Often on gay dating apps I'll see someone use the term "no limits" and I'm flabbergasted. That is a pretty bold statement considering somebody could show up for a date, skin you alive, and wear your skull home as a hat and then justifiably argue "Hey, he said no limits!" So I'm gonna imagine, and hope, those people actually do set some sort of limit somewhere, even though it's probably way way way ahead of where I would set mine. Truth be told, in the gay community I'm probably pretty vanilla. I get more vanilla the closer I get to the Marquis De Sade, but compared to let's say the average queer out there I've probably experimented less than them in most things. That would just be my guess. I have a few fetishes, to be sure. Underwear is a big one, if you must know. But overall I'm kinda basic and I do fret over that a little at times. But part of that just happens to be the crowd I hang with. Of my circle of gay friends I'm by far the most promiscuous which can be daunting when you're insecure and unable to bring yourself to go to the orgy alone (and I never have been able to do that yet).

But I'm getting off point. Back to limits. I find it fascinating that what might send me reeling in abject horror serves to get my friend off. Like diapers. I don't know anyone who has this fetish (that I'm aware of) but the very idea is an instant turn off for me. I find both the idea of shitting in your pants and having your loved one change you and the act of infanticising your partner disgusting and humiliating. But perhaps that is part of why they love it. For me those are active sexual buzz words: disgust, humiliation, pain. Any sexual activity that includes those things is persona non grata to me. So sadomasochism and being whipped by a dude in a studded mask with a cat o' nine tails? Out. Even if he looks like Taylor Lautner: Out. Being abused and called "Faggot!" by a partner who play rapes me? Very out. And yet, some people thrive on those things. And they're not hurting anybody if they both choose to do it so I'm not judging them. It's just not for me.

And yet, I do like watersports so see it's not all vanilla. But again, I set my own limits within that fetish. If it veers too close to them pissing on me as abuse instead of sensual play, I draw the line. Conversely and from the other end if you will, I draw the line vehemently at scat. Shit should be left in the toilet not in my bed. When I've come across the odd scat video on the internet I honestly usually do keep watching while trying not to retch just out of pure horror and disbelief. And yet, some people love this activity. Again, I'm not judging them but I set my limit way before that.

But this thought leads me to the next part of this topic which is deal breakers. Scat would definitely be a deal breaker for me if my partner confessed to me one day that he'd been doing it in secret, let's say, and wanted to include it in our sex life. There's no way I could do that. And even the thought that they'd been doing it would weigh on me. Everytime I'd go to kiss them I'd be like Jerry Seinfeld everytime he went to kiss the girlfriend who once dated Newman only instead of thinking "Newman kissed this mouth" I'd be thinking "This mouth has had shit in it!" It is simply beyond me. And yet, some people think the same thing about swallowing cum and the idea of NOT doing that horrifies me as much as the idea of doing it horrifies them. The concept of limits and where we set them and what would break the deal for us is such an interesting topic I brought it up amongst a group of mixed friends one night and we had a highly entertaining discussion. Straight people set their limits and deal breakers a lot lower if my group of friends are any indication. Half of the straight men and women in the room said anal sex would be a deal breaker, and that's usually considered a focal point in gay relationships so obviously we're starting off on different planes. Cheating is also a huge one for straight women, apparently, and I think many more gay couples face this as a rite of passage instead of an insurmountable obstacle. That might be controversial to say, but I feel men are much more apt to think with their dicks than their consciences and therefore a relationship with 2 men is much more difficult to remain faithful in. A lot of gay couples I know are either in open relationships or stopped having sex altogether which I find really disheartening. I've been in both open and monogamous relationships and the romantic idealist in me would prefer the latter. But I also know the horndog in me would crave the former.

I often think about this topic when reading about transgender issues or talking with my friends who are trans and it gives me pause. I want to unequivocally support any and all trans people in my community. Indeed, that's what equality is all about. And yet, several times now I've met people who were "male" when I met them and had sex with them but as we've stayed friends they've discovered the female within either through dress up or transitioning and they sometimes get angry when I cease being interested in them sexually. For me, I've discovered, a penis is the ultimate deal breaker. And I don't mean that in a self-hating homophobic "I can't deal with drag queens cuz they're too fem!" kinda way. I love, look up to, and am inspired by drag queens. And I could definitely marry one and have sex with someone who worked as a drag queen. BUT...probably not while they were IN drag. It does nothing for me. Even moreso when someone I used to date who once had a dick but now has a vagina wants to hook up again I have to worriedly face 1 simple deal breaker: NO DICK, NO ME. I guess if I were already in love with someone and they made the transition I would have to face this deal breaker head on and see if my heart overcame it. I guess that's part of what is so interesting about limits. We have the power to change them occasionally. And who knows? Doing so could make us grow unfathomably as a person. And yet, if said growth requires me to lovingly take a shit on someone just as an opening salvo to our lovemaking I think I'll opt out of that growth right here and now.