50 Things About Me

Not sure quite why I felt the need to make 1 of these which were all the rage on Tumblr for a while since blogging can sometimes feel like talking to yourself so, in essence, this will just be repeating things to myself that I am already aware of. But I thought I could make it a fun exercise. We'll see I guess. Here are 50 things about me. I'll try to do things that haven't already been covered in previous blogs.

1) My first three boyfriends were all named Chris which either speaks to my determination or poor choices. Probably a little of both.

2) I came out to my Mom when I asked if I could bring Chris # 3 to a Christmas party that we were attending as a family along with significant others. When I said I wanted to bring him, she said "Why, what is he your boyfriend?" pretty sarcastically. I said "Yes." She was pretty disappointed and it was a long time before she came around. And oddly, I don't think Chris ever ended up going to the party.

3) I always knew I was different but the first time I realized I was probably gay and there was no going back was when I got a boner watching the video for Billy Idol's White Wedding and started jacking it. The shirtlessness, the black leather. Yea there was no going back from there.

4) My mortal fears are: sharks, vomit, bugs, and the dark. There's probably more but those are the ones that make me lose it.

5) The first concert I ever went to was when my Mom dragged me to see The Bellamy Brothers when I was around 9 or 10.

6) It's hard to pick a favorite concert I've seen so many awesome ones. But at the moment, it would probably be Elton John at Madison Square Garden two years ago. I'm a HUGE fan and he played a healthy mix of hits and deep cuts and it actually made me cry it was so good.

7) I used to have this very unhealthy habit of falling in love with my best friends which was either bad or good depending on how you looked at it. Because they were my best friends I got to see them a lot but they were always straight which meant nothing could ever come of it.

8) I've only lived in 2 states my entire life, New Jersey and Pennsylvania. But I consider my spiritual home to be Scotland. When I went there and looked at Loch Lomand, something inside of me felt at home, though that sounds silly even as I write that. But its true.

9) My longest relationship lasted 4 years.

10) My shortest relationship (not counting one night stands, obviously, only what they or I termed a "relationship") was the first. It lasted a week.

11) The first time I ever had gay sex (not counting puberty fool arounds with friends which were hot but are sort of on another level) was the day before my cousin's first wedding. It was like I'd been standing at a locked door in a tiny drab room for decades and suddenly the entire world had opened up to me. I felt more alive than I ever had before or since. When I look at pictures from that wedding, I see someone who is REALLY REALLY happy. Kinda wish I could get that feeling back.

12) I don't remember at what point exactly my passion and talent for writing became known to me but the first story I ever wrote was a total rip off of the Aesop fable called Androcles and the Lion about a lion with a thorn in his paw only in my story it was a ladybug who pulled the thorn out for him. I'm not sure to this day if I should cherish the fact that I wrote it or bemoan the fact that I plagiarized it, but thank goodness everybody praised it despite it's second hand nature.

13) My favorite color is purple. Oddly, I don't wear a lot of it. I tend to wear a lot of black only because, obviously, it is slimming.

14) The first 45 I asked for when I was around 10 or so was Exile's Kiss You All Over. Weirdly, I also remember the 45 my brother got for Christmas the same year which was also a title with "kiss" in it, Kiss on My List by Hall and Oates. That would have made the Exile song about 2 years old which is strange, but that's what I remember.

15) The first two albums I got on my own (as opposed to singles or taping songs off the radio etc etc) were for my 13th birthday: Survivor's Eye of the Tiger and Joan Jett's I Love Rock and Roll. Amusingly, I can't remember a damn thing from either album except for the singles which puts a dent in my album culture cred.

16) The first loss I felt on a personal level (besides my Grandmother to cancer when I was 12) was my friend Billy who was slightly younger than me at the time at 22. Fell asleep at the wheel and drove head on into a truck. We hadn't seen each other for several years and though his death didn't make me grieve inconsolably or anything it really shook me on a spiritual level. He was around my age and had barely begun to live. Not married. No kids yet. And I regretted not seeing him more often when I heard the news and started thinking of all the things I wished I would have said to him.

17) My favorite cities, not in any particular order, are: New York City, London, Paris, San Francisco, Venice, and Edinburgh. Amazing places all and I would suggest them to anyone and everyone.

18) I don't have a "first memory". Not really. Whenever that question comes up I strain to try and remember but nothing is really there. Everything hinges on my brother. I remember pushing him on his little wind up swing when he was a newborn which would have made me 4. But I'm also not sure if that is my memory or my mind filling in the gaps from looking at old pictures. Memory is so fucking strange.

19) If I was given free reign to kill somebody without consequence for one night and could only pick 1 person, I would definitely do it. And it would be the cunt that I worked for at one point named Stephanie. From the first moment I met her she hated me and her entire goal, as per my district manager who also wanted to get rid of me, was to get me fired. I quit before I either killed myself or wrung her neck until her face turned blue and her eyes rolled up into her head. But the deep pain she caused me never went away. And any mercy or compassion I have for mankind falls away when I think about her. She's fucking lucky beyond imagining that The Purge is a fictional concept.

20) The second major piece of writing I did was a total rip off of Jaws, my favorite movie. I titled it "Mako". Do you sense a pattern here about my writing? Christ I hope that has changed since back then. The story followed pretty much the same pattern. Shark terrorizes a beach community, salty fisherman fights back. Only I added some military help, made the shark a mako obviously, and changed the style of death for the monster: he was fed poison chum. I distinctly remember "researching" this which amounted to asking the adults around me if this would work. My Dad assured me that it would. I still wonder to this day.

21) Whenever people ask me what my lucky number is I say seven. I'm not exactly sure why I have decided it is seven. It's not like I've ever won the lottery using a number seven. But that is what I say.

22) The first car I ever had was one of my favorites: a black and gold Pontiac Firebird with the exhaust scoop and t-tops. No lying that was the coolest fucking car I'll probably ever own in this lifetime.

23) My favorite meal is pork roast, mashed potatoes with gravy, corn on the cob, sausage with stuffing, and biscuits. Sounds awesome, right?

24) A sound that I absolutely hate is a nail file. Makes me cringe every time.

25) When I was around 11 or 12 I made my Mom buy me a speedo when it was time to get me a bathing suit. I was obviously sexualizing it and myself in my head and thinking about how much I loved looking at other boys and men in speedos though I didn't understand any of that in my own head at the time. And I remember her looking at me grimly and saying "Are you sure you want that?" in a manner that was attempting to get me NOT to want that as 1) I didn't have the body for it even then though it was at least more palatable than it would be now and 2) I am sure she was in no way comfortable with what me wanting a speedo might mean. But alas, she bought it, I wore it, and nobody died. I never bought one again though because I only got pudgier as time went on.

26) I have a fetish for Vans that stems from the fact that most of the boys I was hot for in middle and high school wore them. Sadly, it took me decades until I finally got around to buying a pair and by then I was probably too old for them but I still wear them proudly and I'm still into them big time. I own 3 pairs right now.

27) I cannot remember cars at all. Even ones that I've been a passenger in countless times. I miiiiiiight be able to pick it out from a crowd based on color and what was left on the seat but not likely by the car itself. I'm just more into classic cars of the 50's through the 70's. They were much more stylish with lines and fins and tails. As with our modern housing and architecture, most of it is streamlined and airbrushed and removed from any kind of distinctness. To me anyway.

28) Not that I would eat it anyway since it's pretty awful, but I threw up Total cereal once when I had a virus at 12 and I've never even touched the box since then.

29) I have loads of favorite cereals, most of them the ones that are horribly bad for you, but only 2 (besides the aforementioned Total) which are my most hated: Cheerios and Kix. Seriously, a bowl of Cheerios is like a kick in the nuts to me. I can't imagine a sadder breakfast.

30) I was a Boy Scout once and actually made it all the way to Weeblo though I don't remember a damn thing from my time with them except getting the badges, a few of which I still have in a box somewhere.

31) The first song I ever discovered all on my own (meaning without parental influence) was Crocodile Rock when I was seven. I walked a mile and a half to my friend Myron Medalla's house to hang out for the day. His father had the Elton John's Greatest Hits album and he put it on to play me the song and we must have played that damn thing at least 50 times. By the time I left I knew the lyrics by heart and sang every word on my walk home.

32) My go-to karaoke song is Bridge Over Troubled Water.

33) I have a lot of weird sexual regrets based on personal experience but one in particular involves my friend Kevin when I was 14 and he was 12 or so. We were in a little cubbyhole beneath the stairs in his Dad's house jacking off (Don't ask) and he turned to me and said "I wonder what it tastes like? What would you do if it shot out of my dick and right into your mouth?" which seems like its SCREAMING for a "This!" response followed by me bowing my head and getting to work on his erection. I had such a crush on him and his brother. I often wonder what would have happened if I had done something like that. But instead, I think I said something like "Do it right back to you!" which kiiiinda pales in comparison you gotta admit.

34) The song Lady by Kenny Rogers is forever tainted for me because it was my Mom and Step-Dad's wedding song. I don't begrudge their happiness (they just celebrated 35 years married) but besides hating the song anyway and me having so many problems with my Step-Dad growing up I can't help but cringe when it comes on the radio.

35) I drink Coke. Never Pepsi. And I can tell the two apart by taste. Don't even get me started on diet soda. That's as bad as Cheerios.

36) I know this is completely unfair to myself, but I regret not being with my Nana when she passed away. I was the last family member to see her. We had a nice visit in the home where she was staying, then she had a slight breathing attack caused  by her Parkinson's. Aides were treating her and she had calmed down and seemed fine when I bent low to kiss her and say goodbye for the day, but she was obviously scared. "Can't you stay longer?" she asked. "I have to go to work." I told her, holding her hand a bit before I told her "Just relax and try to stay calm you'll be ok." 2 days later she was dead.

37) Weddings make me uncomfortable. I cherish true love so much if I go as a single it's always embarrassing and makes me weepy because of what I don't have and the few times I've gone as a couple always seem to be tainted by one thing or another (seating my boyfriend away from me at a different table for instance).

38) My favorite part of my body is my eyes. They supply me with an endless supply of compliments which is nice since I don't get that often.

39) Of the boyfriends I've had there is only 1 I continue to have feelings for despite the fact that I haven't seen him in a decade at least. Chris # 2. There's unfinished business there. At the very least an "I love you and you meant so much to me." since I don't think I ever said that once the relationship ended (even though we did hang out and hook up several times after that).

40) If I played an instrument it would be piano. Both piano and guitar impress me with the artistry they can deliver, but I think the piano just hits a little deeper for me. Sadly, you very rarely see a pianist serenading people around a campfire so that's at least one strike against it but still...

41) I hate eggs and mushrooms. I dislike lots of foods, really, but those are 2 of the worst. I can't eat something at all if mushrooms are in it because the taste is already there as far as I'm concerned. Eggs I can pick out. And obviously I love cake and other things with eggs as an ingredient. But if my breakfast sandwich has egg on it by mistake I flip out.

42) Fleetwood Mac is my favorite band.

43) My favorite fan encounters were with John Barrowman (described in detail in another blog post) and Debbie Gibson, who was simply one of the nicest entertainers I'd ever met. My boyfriend and I met her backstage after Gypsy and she chatted with us while waiting for her own boyfriend to pick her up. A class act.

44) One of my defining experiences was my Mom having a knock down drag out fight with my Dad and afterward taking us to Nana's house to stay until things cooled off. Mom went out to pick up some groceries while my brother and I played Michigan Rummy with Nana and my Aunt Rose. After about an hour, we heard a loud bang, followed shortly after by my Mom being violently pushed through the front door while my drunk and enraged father followed her shouting. Turns out once she got back from the store my Dad was waiting in the street for her, and proceeded to pull out a shotgun he had brought with him and smash in her windshield with it. Only my Nana, racing to the front door and shouting this drunk/armed/violent/ridiculously much taller than her man down by telling him to "Get out of here before I call the police!" made him turn and leave. Now you know 1 of the reasons my Nana was such a kickass person.

45) One of my other defining life experiences was after another violent fight between my Mom and my Dad when we went to stay with my Dad's Mom for a change and I got my Uncle Glen's old room all to myself. He was already engaged and living with his fiance but his room had been left pretty much intact, complete with a record player and LOADS of awesome records (the blue and red Beatles Greatest Hits sets for one which set off my love of the Fab Four) but also a plethora of horror novels and magazines. Creepy, Eerie, Edgar Allan Poe. I devoured it all and never looked back.

46) One of my favorite fashion statements from the 80's was parachute pants. They were sort of like Cargo pants for those of you who don't know but much softer and with zippers instead of velcro. I had loads of them, and still have a pair that I will never ever again fit into tucked away in a box somewhere.

47) One of my biggest regrets in life is myself and my friend Eddie confronting my friend Nick in freshman year of high school and telling him that he should try to act less feminine because people were talking about him. That hurts my soul to think about. And I hope he's doing well somewhere.

48) Ketchup on a hot dog, not mustard. Always.

49) My first time playing Dungeons and Dragons is forever memorable because of my friend Ray who I never see anymore and miss immensely. But he had a wry sense of humor and he was the Dungeon Master for this game (every game really cuz fuck if I can figure out how to follow all those charts and die). Our little band of adventurers were trying to quietly enter a castle via a secret entrance at night and were cornered by a lone guard very near a tent full of his sleeping compatriots. It being my turn, Ray asked what I wanted to do. Being an archer, I said I would fire an arrow into his chest. Ray said "Are you sure you wanna do that? You might not kill him." I replied "I'm very good I'll get the job done." Ray proceeded to roll like four dice and calculate things from the little rule book he was holding while we all sat silently watching him in anticipation. It seemed like it took an hour. Then, finally, he looked up and said "Your arrow hits him in the leg and he goes AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and wakes up the entire camp." It was almost like a punchline and though I can't remember for sure but I think we all died seconds later.

50) I actually had fun doing this. If anyone cares, I might do it again. Thanks for reading :)