Where I’m At

      This is going to read like a diary post. I’m sorry about that. It will also read like a pity party. Sorry about that too. Trust me I’m not looking for pity. If anything, I know I’m a lot better off than a lot of people out there. But that’s the thing with depression and melancholy. You can’t reason it into submission. This post is strange in light of me mentioning in a post only last month that I was doing fine mentally and emotionally. But i think things have just gotten progressively heavier over the last year. And so here I am. Let’s see where I’m at.

     It’s been one year since the pandemic began in earnest. Lockdown lasted a few months and then we moved into this state of limbo where restaurants could be open for outdoor dining only and businesses closed earlier than normal. As a night person, this was particularly hard. I’m usually just getting my dinner at 10 pm after work. But through the whole Summer we couldn’t eat indoors, we couldn’t go to bars, we couldn’t travel anywhere without quarantines, and life was just essentially a lot more dull. Live concerts haven’t been a thing for over a year. Artists are doing these streaming concerts and I love music so much and if I love an artist I want to support them but honestly it’s kind of like watching a video of somebody riding a roller coaster. It gives you an idea  of the experience, but there’s just no comparison to being there yourself. 

     Movies still haven’t returned to normal. Theaters are open, but only Thursday through Sunday and only for a limited amount of showings. But I can’t really blame them. The greedy soul-sucking cinema companies have pulled every movie that was of the slightest importance and pushed it back until at least this Fall. Or they’ve put movies on their streaming services and charged an additional 30 fucking dollars for it (stand up, Mouse House). Or they’ve released movies on HBOMax the same day as it goes to theaters. Now personally I love going to the movies. I get my pretzel bites, I sit in my recliner, and I bask in the ear-thundering surround sound that I could never replicate at home. So I’ll still probably go see Kong vs. Godzilla in a theater just like I did with Wonder Woman even though I have HBOMax and could watch it at home for free. But most people are not me. So at this rate theaters might never recover. But my fingers are crossed obviously.

     As the economy has taken a hit, businesses have cut back on employees. My bank, Thieves of America (that's what I call them) closed over half of their branches in February 2020 and still has not reopened them. Now I have to travel a half hour away just to make a withdrawal and there's usually a line of like 50 people angrily waiting since they closed so many branches and every dickhole within a 50 mile radius now has to come to the same fucking branch. My company is no different. Sometimes people are working all alone in stores with a list of a dozen things they’re supposed to accomplish besides ringing all of the customers up. It can be super stressful on the best of days, especially if you have a deluded taskmaster for a boss. Not to mention you have to deal with angry people shouting at you because you have no Lysol, or demeaning you because you have no idea when they’ll be able to get vaccinated. Or worst of all...angry anti-maskers. I could care less if it makes me radical left, fascist, socialist or whatever...I’m tired of dealing with angry people who carry fake stats about the virus that they’ve printed off of the QAnon thread and who can’t stop spouting their conspiracy nonsense while yapping about their rights all while refusing to wear a piece of cloth over their mouth and nose that doctors have been wearing for centuries. I’d love to kick their ass out of the store and ban them for life. But when you work for a corporation you can never do that. God forbid the person threatens to sue. True story, I caught a shoplifter in the act once. She had about $80 of pain relievers stuffed under her bra. She was a regular who was always nice to the employees so I felt sorry for her. She pleaded with me not to call the police and said she was sorry. So I let her go but told her never to come back. Cut to the next day. Her sister is calling me up and calling me all kinds of names and threatening to sue. The company caved and she was allowed to continue stealing at the store. The company’s edict to me: make sure she doesn’t steal. I just stopped looking. They obviously don’t care so now neither do I. But I’m getting off topic. The point was, although I’m extremely relieved and happy to have a job, it’s also gotten a lot more stressful since all of this began.

     I haven’t seen my Mom in almost 2 years. Luckily my brother and I live pretty close to one another so I’m still able to see him and my niece and nephew but not nearly as often as before. I also have a best friend who works at an essential business like me so we’ve continued to hang out and go out to eat (when we can). It’s gotten to the point that I look forward all week to actually going into a restaurant to eat which is sad on numerous levels but also the truth. My days off have routinely become almost like sick days. Sleep late, stay in jammies all day, maybe run the big errand of the day (getting mail at the P.O. Box), take a nap. You get the picture.  I hear you saying this is a choice. True somewhat, but it’s Winter so it’s usually cold and/or snowing out and I don’t ski. So your choices for things to do are very very limited.

     I was going to the gym regularly for a while and was actually in pretty good shape, though my body remained in its usual shape but still. But I had a gym buddy for inspiration. A year ago the gyms closed and stayed closed until well into November. Boredom and my tenuous emotional state kept me eating and eating while I stayed inside so I’ve probably gained at least 20 pounds over the last 12 months. And my gym buddy is a germaphobe so we’ve never resumed our routine. That same friend was telling me on the phone how she's saved so much money this past year since she hasn't been able to do anything and all I could think was wow she's lucky. If anything, I've spent even more trying to fill the void left by the pandemic. Again, totally my choice/fault, but it is what it is. Between Doordash and OnlyFans, a person could bankrupt themselves. Soooo many pseudo celebs joined OnlyFans in the past year while they were out of work to make a quick buck. Some of them actually give you the D, but some are nothing but teases who charge exorbitant sums for a pic of their bulge. And if you've checked out this blog before you know that I love porn. Especially porn featuring famous people. So I've spent a lot trying to gather as much of it up as I can. Who'd have thought after I met Aaron Carter at a concert meet and greet 4 years ago that one day not far off I'd be paying to watch him shoot his load lol. Then there's Amazon. You figure well I'll be home with nothing to do let me order some books or blu-rays. And eventually I'm ordering an $80 Dynasty box set. Money is so so easy to spend sadly.

     So that's where I'm at. Not in a good place right this moment. But we have a family trip booked for June. That seems like a million years away, but it's kind of keeping me going at this point. My brother and I and the kids will be driving down to Florida to stay with my Mom and my Step-Dad for a week. I desperately need that trip to happen if only to get away from my own problems for that week. Still, it's not all bad, I guess. I have caught up on a ton of incredible movies and tv shows. In the past week alone I've watched 2 thirds of Alan J. Pakula's Paranoia Trilogy (The Parallax View and All the President's Men, only missing Klute), Supernova, the new gay themed drama starring Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci as lovers, almost all of Wandavision (only the finale is left that's this Friday), It's a Sin the Russell T. Davies AIDS drama, Crikey? It's the Irwins, Allen V. Farrow (2 eps so far), and Ratched. And I've made a challenge to myself to read at least 1 book a month in 2021 and I'm already ahead about 100 pages into my fourth book, Leah Remini's Troublemaker. And of course I always have my music. I'm always obsessively tinkering with playlists on Apple. I just wish they would do more with the social media aspect of their site right now it's almost nil. So I take little joys where I can find them. And I have to try and be content with the fact that nobody in my family has gotten the virus or worse died from it, nobody in my family has lost their job. And that does make it easier to stay positive at times. Not today. But tomorrow is another day. Until then, lemme watch that Aaron Carter video again.