Justin's Complex Cover Shoot: Behind the Scenes

When Fat People (and their supporters) Respond

As with most every person who follows viral trends or watches YouTube, I became aware a few days ago of this "Dear Fat People" video made by a YouTuber named Nicole Arbour. I don't follow her and the only time I've seen her videos is when someone I do follow, Mr. Repzion, does replies to her usually offensive or bigoted diatribes. The few times I have seen her, she comes across as a vapid and terribly unfunny girl trying VERY VERY hard to be edgy. I hate when you can see the hamster wheel turning in somebody's head. If natural talent is not there and you can see someone trying with all of their might to be funny, it shuts me right down. Nevertheless, as everyone was talking about it, I decided to watch the Dear Fat People video. I debated whether or not I should post it in this blog because, as with a historian studying Mein Kampf who must read the book, it helps to know what I'm talking about and placing judgement upon. But I decided against it. She has gotten more than enough publicity already. Should anyone who reads this want to watch the actual video, you can find it very easily by searching the title on YouTube. I just watched it again so I might brush up on the points she made, viewer counts for her be damned. Let me just point out some of the criticisms in her defense that I've seen already.

1) "But she's funny." This one is easy, because she is not AT ALL funny. She's funny in the same sense as the cheerleader girlfriend of the jock douchebag who had just kicked my ass in high school and walked away after calling me a faggot only to have her stay behind and with a smirk that she thinks says "I really care for you" says in all honesty: "You really DO look like a faggot. Can you try not doing that? I'll help you so long as you don't tell anyone." (I'm paraphrasing obviously, but you get the point) There is nothing funny in her video, unless you have anger towards fat people and think they are inherently funny without actually making up any jokes about that. Saying that a fat child sat next to you on an airplane and he was so fat you had to hold his fat away from your body is not amusing, it is cruel.

2) "But she makes some good points." I'll grant you this one. Tucked in between all of her unbridled anger and supposed "humor" about fat people are perfectly valid points and truths that most fat people, myself included, do not want to be reminded of. Yes, many fat people make poor choices. Yes, their health will probably be affected. Yes, fat people should not be placated simply because they are too fat to walk through an airport. I agree with all of these things. I don't agree that simply because she has a few truthful statements in there, we should respect her entire presence or her channel or her "talent". I also find it appalling that our culture often deems it okay to belittle people, whether they be fat, or uneducated, or whatever, simply because they were not "born that way" and can change, whereas these same people will say "We can't criticize black people or gay people because they were born that way." (Yes, I did notice that dear Nicole included us queers on the list of people that it was "okay" not to criticize.) It's a weird sort of Rube Goldberg bigotry, as if you're making your reasoning for being against a certain group of people go through all of these hoops and tunnels just to verify your standpoint. And it doesn't wash with me. I'd respect Nicole a lot more if she didn't couch her arguments in this pseudo-bullshit "But I really care about you and I'll love you no matter what" stance. There is a firm difference between the concept of tough love, or telling your fat friend that he shouldn't buy that pair of budgie smugglers, and pointing at him and exclaiming "Holy shit you're fucking fat what are you insane?"

3) "She has a right to say what she wants." Indeed she does, and this is the 1 argument in defense of her that I stand behind one hundred percent. I don't think she should be banned. I will never support censorship of any kind. No matter how hateful somebody's message is, they have a right to voice it, just as I have a right to listen or not listen and criticize it. It's the beauty of our country. Besides, I'd much rather give people enough rope that they can hang themselves if they so choose and I'd much rather have a hateful message out front and center so I know where I stand with someone instead of it being whispered behind my back.

4) "We are way too sensitive as a culture now." Oddly, I agree with this one halfway as well. The famous comedians I love were always offensive to some degree. George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison. Political correctness can be taken too far in our culture today and I do believe that many of us have knee jerk reactions to things we should really just wave away. However, and especially in comedy, the tone and manner in which you make your jokes can sometimes make all the difference in the world. There is a big, big difference between South Park featuring an episode about a gerbil trying to escape from Mr. Slave's ass and Andrew Dice Clay in his halcyon days referring to "transtesticles" and wondering if bisexuals wake up in the morning and flip a coin. Even that example could be construed as flawed because you could make the point that Dice Clay was playing a "caricature" of the exaggerated straight white Italian homophobic male. Though I'm pretty sure we've all decided as a culture in the ensuing years that no, he really wasn't it was just cruel bigotry wrapped in humor which is why we don't really see Dice Clay doing current bits like that on YouTube anymore (though I haven't looked for them).

Here are some points I want to make about this issue (some of them will be personal to me):

1) I exaggerate when I talk about Nicole Arbour's message a little. She hasn't burned a swastika on Morgan Freeman's lawn or anything. She simply made a video which she thought was funny in which she criticizes fat people. I don't think fat people are above criticism. But I do think every human should be above cruelty. It's okay, in my mind, when somebody wants to make a good but uncomfortable point about fat people and couches it in a very clever joke that laughs WITH us and not AT us. Nicole failed completely on this count.

2) Fat people know they are fat. I guarantee it. We don't need thin supposedly semi-attractive people reminding us with poor attempts at humor. I also take issue with Nicole equating her "love" for fat people with telling them what they already know and hoping that by doing so they stop stuffing their face and get exercise. Know what a thin, attractive person telling me something like this would have done to me in high school? It would have made me cry, and then want to kill myself even more than I already did. Admittedly, I was fucked up already. Still am. But thankfully now I just want to use my talent and write a response instead of cry. At least I've evolved that much.

3) The biggest thing I take issue with is the statement "Fat shaming is not a thing." I know from personal experience that it is. Shame is a thing that can come at any point in your life for any number of things. And most fat people shame themselves far too much already. I certainly do. It should never be okay to shame somebody else for their weight. I've heard this argument "Shame is an emotion, you can choose to feel or not to feel it." And that is absolute bullshit. That's like saying it was okay for the jock douchebag I mentioned earlier in this piece to yell "Faggot!" at me directly in my face because, well, I could simply choose not to feel the emotions his debasement could make me feel. It's BULLSHIT, plain and simple.

4) Just as a simple aside, know what works a lot better than some skinny bitch telling me "Eeeew you're fat!" Some skinny bitch wanting to be my friend and share a salad with me. I eat because of loneliness and self-esteem issues and a whole host of other things, including simply that food is fucking awesome, but I can damn well guarantee that a cruel "tough love" approach would make my situation worse not make me want to "prove you wrong". That is just this man's opinion.

Take these points, and Nicole's video, however you choose. But can we all just agree to love one another a little more often and that said love should be unconditional, or it has no real meaning?. Let's give it a try. In the meantime, I'm including a clip of a certain fat comedian no longer with us who understood the value of laughing WITH us and not AT us. This is talent. Enjoy.

Cheer Louder

I overheard two well-dressed Middle Eastern women talking at a drugstore checkout. The younger woman pointed to a magazine cover of Caitlyn Jenner & said "Have u seen this? This used to be a man. What a sad, scary world we're living in." To which the older woman simply said: "Oh my!" I was angry but kept quiet. They have their beliefs and I have mine and though theirs are based on fear and bigotry, they are entitled to them. But it reminded me why there is a culture divide and why I'm out in front with the rest of the progressive people. Though it is certainly, at times , a sad and scary world, Caitlyn Jenner is not one of the things that makes it so for me but one of the things that gives me hope for the future. When somebody who is unhappy in the body they were born with can finally be made whole by science, that is a beautiful thing. And what's even more beautiful is how a great deal of the world has accepted her and every other person in her position along with gays getting married and having equal rights. Love and acceptance is always beautiful in my opinion, and while it's true that there are some VERY vocal adversaries to equality and diversity (I'm lookin at u and everyone like u Kim Davis and ur cheerleader Huckabee), the trick in these transition years (pun intended) will be to simply cheer louder than them and love each other for our differences. I'm down for that. 

The Problem With Race

In a year when more young unarmed black men are being killed by police than ever before and the hashtag #blacklivesmatter has become a phenomenon, we certainly have to admit that race is a prominent issue in our country. In any country for that matter. Not all of the people killed by police in this or any other year will be black, but there is a frightening disproportion between that and the number of white people killed which bears looking into. Except the entire reason that the hashtag was needed is because people who aren't black sometimes seem unwilling to examine this frightening statistic. Let's face it, nobody LIKES to talk about race in mixed company. It can be uncomfortable or even lead to shouting matches. I don't even like having a confrontation over someone giving me the wrong change why on Earth would I wanna discuss something as possibly volatile as race? Well, simply put, because that is the only way we will move past this issue and grow as a species, something which, right now, we seem very adamant AGAINST doing. Part of the reason behind this trepidation is simple avoidance, as I stated. It's much easier to ignore the problem and continue eating your bag of Doritos and a hell of a lot more peaceful. For you, anyway. Certainly not for the unarmed people being assassinated in the streets of the Land of the Free by people we're supposed to be trusting to protect us. But that's only the most basic reason you and I and most every Joe Blow in the country utilizes. There are many others. Some people simply don't want to discuss the issue of race because they are racist. Sounds quite self explanatory, doesn't it? You've seen them on the news. Usually personified by an old, white politician wearing a Dior suit or an old white blue-haired lady wearing a cardigan with a crucifix over it or a white unshaven redneck in a snapback of any age wearing a Confederate flag belt buckle. These are easy stereotypes I've selected, yes, but let's face it, I'm gay and I love showtunes and disco, some things are stereotypes for a reason. But you've always seen them interviewed after some tragedy or another which involves race in some way. And they almost always denounce the issue completely, falling back on the same old tropes of "This is America the land of dreams anybody can be anything here". Or they blame it on a "few bad apples". Or sometimes, if they're feeling particularly open they might even blame the ghetto, or their lifestyle, not realizing that falling back on this train of thought proves the existence of racism even more. Their comments will almost always be prefaced with a "But I'm not racist!" and end with a "God Bless America". These people refuse to even admit the problem, not out of denial, but because they don't really want to solve the problem. I despise them even more than I would despise a Klu Klux Klan member because at least a KKKer (if he's not covered in a hood) has the balls to admit how he really feels. He knows his opinion is full of bile and hate but he doesn't give a shit. At the very least if I ran into him in the street, I would know where I stand. But so many others cover up their bile with a smile. Call me crazy but I'd rather be stabbed in the chest by somebody I'm expecting it from than stabbed in the back by somebody who was just smiling at me a minute ago. Then other people don't want to talk about racism because they are in denial. They simply don't want to admit that it exists because the prospect is too frightening since it attacks their simplistic views of how society works. It takes courage to admit that our country is not as perfect as they'd like to believe it is, and these people lack that courage.

     Two things brought this issue to a personal level for me recently. And I'm talking beyond simple bigotry directed at me because I'm gay, which almost every queer person can attest to at some point. My brother and his wife and myself were sitting around the dinner table having one of these easygoing but sometimes deep conversations families have when there is time and adequate liquor to loosen our tongues. My sister in-law grew up with countless black friends and her sister married a black man. Race is a non-issue for her on a personal level. But she was curious after meeting our father (who pretty much wears his racism on his sleeve) if we thought we had been raised in a racist household. My brother was sort of horrified at the thought and gave a very adamant "No." But I answered "Yes." immediately and was stymied at how my brother could be so in the dark. After a few minutes of back and forth, I asked him simply "How many times growing up did you hear the word nigger? Or spic? Or faggot?" And the realization washing over my brother's face could have been in Technicolor. He knew it was racist, but I suppose it remained a comfortable kind of racism tucked away in the family living room and he had never really wanted to acknowledge it for what it really was. But I saw his face change in that moment. It was the face of denial being washed away in one swipe. The face of possible change. It gave me hope.

     Recently I asked a friend who lives in a fairly nice condo complex why I never see him using the pool there. At first, he gave me a simple "There's a bad element there.". But we live in white suburbia so my mind wasn't gonna let that fly and I pressed him further. Finally he told me "It's like the ghetto down there. Too many blacks." I was pretty astounded. I called him on it, basically telling him "That's awful and racist." He became horrified. "I'm not racist!" he told me, highly alarmed that I would even think that. "You just said you refuse to use a swimming pool because black people go in it. That's racist!" I explained, kind of flabbergasted that I would even have to back up my statement. We went back and forth like this a few more times, but the conversation ended with us both being disappointed and upset, him because how could anyone possibly think he was racist and me because how could he possibly not realize he was racist. It boggled my mind at the time how thick the denial was. I could literally have cut it with a steak knife. And yet I didn't push the subject, I simply dropped it and took in the notion that my friend was a racist but was in denial about it. A short time later, a young black woman in cornrows posted a picture of herself on Facebook in which she was wiping her ass with the American flag accompanied with the caption: "U mad yet?" The only reason I saw the post was because my friend decided to leave a comment on it. Now, admittedly, the picture would have been offensive to almost anyone. Even taking out the flag, you still had to look at this unattractive chick's ass, which for me was not pleasant. But it didn't make me furious with patriotic fervor. I appreciated that she was exercising one of the great rights that this country affords us, the right to have an opinion and speak up about it. My friend, however, was not so easygoing. He was asking other followers to help him report this jungle bunny and jigaboo bitch so that her picture would get taken down. I wish I had screencapped his rant because I can't remember it word for word, but it was obvious that in the throes of his anti-anti-America rebuttal he forgot all about denying his racism. It should be noted that my friend has a huge heart and has friends of many races, but as I pointed out earlier a smile doesn't always erase some bile. I point this out because I think a lot of white people are just like my friend and like my brother used to be. They deny that there is a racial problem in this country and look for other things to blame while secretly hoping that the issue will go away. But it doesn't go away. And if we don't talk about it, it never will in a peaceful manner. But each day another person of color is killed, or harassed, or discriminated against. And after a while it becomes too difficult to keep pretending. Or at least I hope it does. For me, that moment came a long, long time ago. Let me know when everyone else catches up. Until then, this powder keg we're sitting on just keeps getting bigger.

On Getting Older

Well here we are once again. At one of those days that serves to mutually remind me of the day I was born and that the day I will die looms ever closer. I'm being sarcastic, of course. Even if I follow below average life expectancy I'll still probably live another thirty years. The weird thing about that figure and about today in general is that I never thought I would even get this far. With all of my mental issues I thought for sure I would have taken myself out long ago (I'm choosing to be blunt, hopefully if anyone does read this they are already aware of my ongoing issues). It's a minor miracle, in fact, that I am still alive to wake up, smile halfway at the sunrise over the Barnegat Inlet, and write this half serious blog about lasting another year. I still wish I appreciated the miracle more at times. There is a part of me that really does get supreme joy out of life. But he's not in charge very much.

     

     Most people worry over physical things when it comes to getting older. For better or worse, I've never been a stunning beauty of a man or someone who has a lot to lose in that department so my worries there are limited. Everybody hates wrinkles and stretch marks and bulging veins. My main thing is my hair. I love hair. It's one of the first things I notice in a man. And I've always taken care of mine. Still do. I don't spend hours getting it ready, but it will hopefully always look a certain level of awesome. If I were to start losing it, that would hit me hard. Thankfully, except for one spot at the back of my head, all is well there.

     So what you're left with if you don't worry too much over the physical aspects of aging (and provided you don't have a multitude of medical or mental issues) is this notion of "I'm getting too old for that now." I don't worry about this either. I've always had a Peter Pan complex, if I'm being honest with myself. So worrying over "oh man I'm too old to be seen sitting on a roller coaster" will just never occur to me. Yes, I will probably be that queer senior citizen at the One Direction Reunion Concert (Welcome back, Zayn!) thirty years from now. But I'm kinda proud of that instead of embarrassed by it. Life is too short and too magnificent sometimes to worry about petty bullshit and other people's mores. Perhaps that is why I'm still here writing about this. Sometimes the joy really does eclipse all that negative bullshit inside of me just waiting to simmer to the surface. And taking it day by day helps. Today is young yet, but there are already several loving birthday messages from friends to make me smile. On to the next day...

Cranston Owns a Dude

Yes people, there is a reason he is the one who knocks...;)

The Time For Debate is Over (Gay Marriage is Finally Legal)

Last week, as I'm sure many people are already aware, the United States Supreme Court made a landmark ruling granting equal marriage rights to LGBT couples. The timing, during National Pride Month, couldn't have been more perfect. That same night I attended a rally for New York City Pride, and the sense of victory was overwhelming. Not to mention all of the beautiful couples with signs reading things like "We've been together 23 years, now we can finally be recognized by law". Wrap your head around that for a moment. 23 years this particular couple had been together. Unable to get spousal benefits. Unable to be each other's next of kin over existing family members. Unable to be validated, basically. Second class, essentially. The look of joy and emotion on their faces was palpable. I cried myself when I saw the news reports. And I've never even come close to getting married. But after a lifetime of having our legal system, and by association the country that utilizes it, tell queer people that we were not worthy of being equal, here was absolute proof that we were. Mind you, the Justices' pages and pages of debate and reasoning was often loaded with some of the same nonsense that's kept us from being equal from the beginning. "Marriage is between a man and a woman..." Says who? Somebody in a book written centuries ago? "Marriage is sacred." I believe this also, but there are loads of straight people cheating and getting divorced and remarried multiple times who apparently do not. You get my point. Any and all opposition to equal marriage always boils down to: "I do not believe two men or two women can be called a marriage because" a)  My God told me so b) I hate queers and me being equal with them is appalling c) If we allow two men and two women to marry they make a mockery of marriage what's next a man and a dog?

Now let's be honest. All of those reasons are bullshit. First of all, and beyond the fact that it is made up dogma garbage, why should what your God tells you is morally right affect my civil rights in any way, shape, or form? It shouldn't. Period. That's like me coming to you and saying I just read this amazing book denouncing religions so from now on we won't be granting tax exempt status to them or acknowledging their dogma in our political system (which we're not supposed to be doing anyway, motherfuckers!). So sorry not sorry. Yes my example is very extreme. But it is disproportionately the same thing. A group of people who read a book and decided that the supernatural being they live their lives by hated queers and wouldn't want them getting married decided to make sure that didn't happen in real life. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, like the plot of a South Park episode, and yet it's kept queer people as second class citizens for countless decades. Then there's the B option. Hey, at least when some hateful religious douchebag tells me he doesn't want equal marriage because he hates queers, I don't get that smarmy sense of condescension that I get from most political figures who try to hide their hate in reasoning and fancy words. At least with option B you know you're dealing with a reprehensible piece of garbage right up front. But he's an honest reprehensible piece of garbage. I have to admire just that. Also, at least with the option B assholes we know where we stand. Until they experience a drunken, lonely night of mutual masturbation with their BFF and fellow gun club member Cooter, there is no coming around to the proper way of thinking for these people (notice I am aware I've made the hateful people a closeted, self-loathing dude mainly because those are the ones I ran into throughout my young life but obviously there are haters of all walks, creeds and sexes). There will never be an epiphany for these people. There will never be a meeting them on mutual terms. It makes it that much easier to dismiss them and continue the struggle. Then there's option C which is really option B gussied up with a "What if...?" scenario. In no way does allowing two men and two women to marry begin a slippery slope toward bestiality. That's just hate masquerading as fear mongering. So they're all bullshit reasons. And here we are. Finally we have been validated as equal citizens with the rest of the country. Several decades late, but I digress.

And yet, this week has seen a surge of news stories concerning county clerks and Governors who have refused to follow the Supreme Court's ruling. One office in the south resigned en masse in protest. Why do Governors even have an option? That's like me saying know what I don't agree with the criminalization of marijuana so I'm gonna go out score an ounce and light up in my local 7-11 parking lot. Do you think if a cop pulled up next to me he would deal with my "I find this law to be morally against my religious beliefs" bullshit? No! I'd be arrested in a heartbeat. I understand this is a bigger issue about state rights versus country rights, but when you're dealing with basic human rights I don't think any state should have a standing to say "No, no we don't recognize those fags as equal humans sorry. They're mentally disturbed and we're not going to placate them." And that's what the Governors of Kentucky and Alabama and numerous other Bible Belt states are saying. Point blank. You can try to couch that message in any sort of pseudo-loving religious nonsense you want, it doesn't change the fact that you're breaking the law. So, no doubt in the next several months we will see a surge of these types of encounters. And a surge of lawsuits. And hopefully, despite this opposition, a surge of queer couples getting married.

A Conservative acquaintance brought up this passive/aggressive argument concerning the equal marriage ruling: that we didn't really win anything because it wasn't brought about by popular opinion in every state. I was kind of flummoxed by the topic, really, because its always been a black and white issue for me. There is no room for gray. And I could care less about state rights when it concerns basic human rights for all. That's like Hitler saying during the Holocaust "Well I can't really stop killing Jews the states haven't really voted for it so it must be ok." Again, extreme example, but totally merited. I could also care less about whether it feels like a "real win" to me. What's a "real win" in this person's mind? A moral victory? Fuck that. I want a human rights victory, no matter how I get it. A "real win" is Dave and Kevin walking up to the counter in the clerk's office, getting their marriage license, finding a priest they like , and tying the knot so that they can share in the exact same marriage benefits everyone else does. And if that's not morally right to you. then you are part of the problem.

This is also not to say that the battle for equal rights begins and ends with marriage. In something like 32 states in America LGBT people can still be fired for simply existing as an LGBT person. Not to mention the areas of the world like Uganda, Russia, and the Middle East, where queer people are routinely publicly shamed and often murdered by vicious mobs. No, the fight is far from over now that LGBT marriage has been made legal. But a supremely important and historical step has been taken. And above and beyond all of these talking points is the fact that two people who love each other had previously been held down by the rest of society and not been allowed to validate their union. Boiled down to that simple equation how can anyone still shout their nonsense anti-marriage equality rhetoric? In a world that's as shitty as this one is at times, filled with war and hate, how can you deny two loving people the right to legally be together? It is beyond me. Just as it was when I watched those loving couples crying tears of joy on the pier in New York City that day. Love is not always at a premium in America. We'd like to believe it is. So I was glad that in this particular instance, for once, love did win unequivocally.