When Bankruptcy Becomes Hot

Since I've talked about them before I'm going to assume everyone is pretty aware of my body/self-loathing issues. They are what they are. The fact is, fear of rejection kept me a veritable monk for a long time after my last long term relationship broke up. Not only the relationship was broken. I was broken. Recently, after meeting a ton of lovely people on the net who were into normal things every other person takes for granted (camming, trading selfies, etc.) my confidence was built up enough that I was having a grand old time doing all of those things I'd been afraid to do for so long. I still can't believe I've posted my nudes on a public page for all to see. For me, that was an amazing leap in my self-esteem. Not that I think anyone should WANT to see me naked. I'm simply happy some people do & have now become willing to oblige them because it makes me happy and horny to do so. But inside I still can't believe that I am worthy of being looked at. I realize this is a terrible place to begin any form of relationship. One of the pillars of having great friends and an amazing lover/life partner is and will always be "You have to love yourself first or how can anyone else be expected to love you?". I agree with this wholeheartedly and yet I am hoping to someday prove it wrong because it doesn't seem to be happening with the whole lovin myself bit. I tolerate myself. I would certainly hang out with myself in short bursts. But love myself? Not likely. And thats fucked up. But I don't know how to fix it.

All of this is brought up by a persistent loneliness. Camming, selfies, phone sex and the like are all very hot and amazing and quite fulfilling at times. But they tend to leave me lonely afterward. They're sort of a bankrupt form of emotional connection. Once the hardon goes away you're still there alone with your thoughts and insecurities and faults and often I find myself weighed down even more by them because the other person is only some text on a screen at that point and there's only so much comforting that can really do for a live and complicated human being who also longs to be in someone's arms, smell their scent when they put their head down on your chest, and know every line and curve and birthmark on their body up close. It probably doesn't help that I don't think I am very good at camming and all of those other things. I try to go through the motions but it often leaves me feeling more insecure and inadequate after someone tells me to talk dirty to them and I fail completely and then when the call ends I'm left with the burden of sucking at everything else AND now also sucking at phone sex. It is a sad, vicious cycle. I'm making light of it a bit, but there is truth there. I needed to vent this shit, so there it is. Let me just state for the record that I appreciate all of my friends whether in real life or on the internet and I am happy that some of them seem to appreciate me in a way that allows me to also vent sexual frustrations. I just hope that 1 day they won't be frustrations at all but simply a comfortable part of my life in addition to the up close and personal kind which by that point I will not find daunting at all because I will be amazingly comfortable with my body and myself. It is a lovely goal. Here's hoping...

Dear John

Dear John
What was it that made you the one?
Savior of my emotions, waiting to be undone.
Awkward fumbling, a wayward smile.
Tender lips always free from guile.
What was it that made you the one?


Dear John
If only you knew how much I cared.
But for all those welling emotions I just wasn't prepared.
Lonely desperation, carnal urges cured.
With whispered declarations your place in my life was assured.
If only you knew how much I cared.


     This is my goodbye
     to a life I've never led.
     A path I refused to take
     because of the confusion in my head.
     A hand I didn't grasp,
     first love beckoning sweet
     turned away by doubts
     ending up trapped in my own conceit.


Dear John
Forgive me and be at peace wherever you are.
May these words of love and hope reach you no matter how far.
Living your life, a phoenix long reborn.
Done with past indignities, far from being forlorn.
Forgive me and be at peace wherever you are.

Matt Smith Stripping

I give u Matt Smith, the Eleventh Doctor himself, looking way sexier than with the bowtie, stripping in the American Psycho stage play. Enjoy! ;P

Tom Daley Has Something To Say

Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

TIL2F: Juggernaut

I've always loved long-haired metal dudes & what makes this 1 even more appealing is he's str8 but doesn't mind at all that a gay dude is drooling over his pics. He calls himself Juggernaut ;P

Just a Clarification

It saddens me that if I ever did really kill myself it would give homophobes lots of ammo to say "Oh he did that because he was gay and that made him unhappy and suicidal". One of my worst thoughts is that even my Mother, standing over my grave, would be thinking to herself "If only he'd been straight and found the right girl." I'd like to clarify once and for all that this line of thinking is simply utter nonsense. I was born gay, I've always been gay, it is not something I CAN change or would ever WANT to change. The fact is, being gay is actually one of the most amazing and enriching aspects of my life. Lets face it, any second long glance at this blog or my Twitter will let you know immediately that I love penis. But even disregarding the physical aspect of it, the times I've felt least alone and part of a community have always been amongst gay people. Being gay has taught me many things I would not have learned otherwise: Compassion. Empathy. The power of proving haters wrong. What it feels like to be a trailblazer. The fact is, going against the norm can actually be an extremely empowering thing at times, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I have mental issues besides that 1 aspect of my life which cause me to suffer no matter what. And they've always made it hard for me to socialize and be a functioning part of society. Being gay has been a gift, in essence, not the curse some might tend to call it in light of my other problems. I just wanted to clarify that :)

BDIL2F: Black Tide

Black Tide is a Hispanic heavy metal band with Iron Maiden leanings (in the beginning anyway, which is why I became a fan). I still love them and they just released their most recent work, the Bite the Bullet EP. They're also incredibly hot (or it might be just me and a lustful fascination with longhaired musicians, the Hispanic part also being a plus). Several of them, thankfully, have also taken nude selfies. Enjoy!

 Lead singer/guitarist Gabriel Garcia

 Bassist Zachary Sandler

 Guitarist Austin Diaz

 1st two pics are Gabriel Garcia

 Zachary Sandler

 Austin Diaz

And more from the amazingly hot Gabe (he gives me such a boner hehe)

TIL2F Vol. 3: Conor Pt. 1

Despite the fact that he posts amazingly sexy & hot pics on the net sometimes, Conor is a shy & insecure 20yo who often posts about how ugly he thinks he is. It makes me sad cuz he is far from ugly. His blogs keep getting nuked, but he usually comes back, tho I haven't seen him in a while now.

Bound 2 Happen Eventually

TIL2F Vol. 2: Cameron

Please note: Cam is over 18 & has his own xtube/tumblr pages. He has whole galleries & vids which can be purchased at his xtube page which I'll be glad to direct people to should any1 wish to check them out. My selection is not intended to take away from his pageviews but just to voice my appreciation. I simply cannot get enough of him :)