I'm Angry

I'm angry. Pretty much all the time these days. And I'm not sure how to combat that.

I'm angry because I can't go out and do anything fun because almost everything is closed because we are living through a pandemic and I REALLY don't want to ease my boredom by wandering aimlessly around WalMart like an asshole. And I understand and I want to comply with whatever SCIENCE and doctors and those in the know are saying is the best way to proceed. And if that means holing up in my apartment for another 2 to 3 months, I'll do it. Because that's what rational, sane, and empathetic people should do in order to protect not just those we love but everyone else around us, no matter how disposable the far right wants to convince us that old people and homeless people are. But I'm still angry about it.

I'm angry because my job, which most people disrespect daily, has suddenly become "essential" so that dickholes can bulk buy twenty packs of Charmin in order to facilitate a clean asshole should the Apocalypse actually come, which requires that I go to work thereby raising the risk of my contracting the virus exponentially. And I'm angry that, although we're under lockdown, I still have customers coming in to browse and wander around because they have nothing better to do. And I'm angry that people are leaving their latex gloves on the floor and in the shopping carts and complaining when we don't have Covid related items which have either been sent to the first responders or bulk bought by everyone else over a month ago. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate immensely the fact that I am still working. I have friends who have been out of work for over a month and a half and still haven't received their unemployment money. But I am still angry.

I'm angry when I see these dickless, impotent white nationalist "Re-open" protesters storming government buildings carrying automatic rifles moaning about their "liberties" being trampled upon because I know these are the same people trying to take the liberties of pregnant women who choose to have an abortion away from them and yet they wouldn't even see the irony if it smacked them in their privileged face. I also know that if that was inner city Detroit and it was a mob of black people even without guns they'd be teargassed and arrested without fail. And yet nothing happens.

I'm angry because I'm living in a time when Republican politicians can openly admit that some people are disposable without fear of blowback. Quite a few of them did so in the last several weeks as talks of reopening the economy have escalated, saying that essentially getting businesses started again is worth the loss of a certain number of people. In fact, they see the statement as sort of a badge of honor. Like it makes them more of a patriot to make that statement, when in fact, many of them are either working from home or remotely or without a lot of the dangers that everyday citizens face at their jobs.

I'm angry that we have a President who LIES practically every minute of every day despite being fact checked sometimes in real time. A President who, through his callous disregard for the import of his office and for human life in general, mismanaged this pandemic so badly (and still continues to do so) that the death toll has now risen above Vietnam. We still do not have adequate testing for all Americans, and Trump, based on his own remarks last week, doesn't want to supply it either. He fears that more testing will make us look weak instead of safe. And he's already admitted he wants to cook the books as far as Covid fatalities goes so things don't look as bad as they are.

I'm angry that despite being the worst President this nation has EVER had by anybody's metric, I'm still surrounded by people who defend him and would call me unpatriotic for even mentioning the above. Are they simply blind? Brainwashed? A combination of both?

I'm angry that our justice system continues to crumble daily as we see in real time that rich people and white people continue to break the law and get away with it. Essentially, if you've got money, you'll be fine. I'm really hoping Lori Loughlin gets bitch-slapped for her part in the college admissions scandal mostly because she's been so blase about it. Essentially her actions say "So fuckin what I just gave a guy some money to ensure my daughter's future you're just angry because you don't have the money to do it". I see no remorse there. But there are countless examples, starting with Attorney General Barr dropping the charges against Michael Flynn this week, to Trump surviving his impeachment despite mountains of evidence because his buddy Mitch McConnell greased the wheels and ensured a speedy acquittal. Just this week with the case of the good old boys Father and Son duo who first attacked and detained, then killed a black jogger we were reminded of why Colin Kaepernick first took a knee and protested during the national anthem. And yet there are STILL people who can watch the video of that black jogger being shot and say that Kaepernick is unAmerican. It's like they're living in a twilight zone of denial where everything is great and anything that bucks their view of the world is "fake news" or a conspiracy.

I'm angry that Christians feel they have the right to rule the world, and anyone who doesn't fall in line with that is deemed beneath them or worthy of pity or those to be "left behind". They want to control everything, from what women can do with their bodies, to what people can and can't watch on the internet, to what our children do in the morning at school, to denying marriage rights to anyone who doesn't resemble their fairy tale ideal of Adam and Eve. And if you question or attack this superiority complex they come back with the accusation that you're on a "witch hunt" out to get them. Or they say you're waging a war against them. The War on Christmas. The War on Family Values. Their whole rhetoric revolves around fighting a war against non-believers. And frankly, I wish somebody would stand up and finally say "Yes I am waging war against you I won't be happy until you're all back in the Dark Ages where your beliefs belong". But we coddle them and let them get away with their superiority complex nonsense because we don't want to come off as the bad guy.

I'm angry that America is a place where we have no safety net anymore. Some people have been out of work for a month and they're already on the verge of bankruptcy. But you know who has a safety net? Corporations. Although mid-level employees might have been laid off, big companies will do just fine. Some of their executives have even raked in the bucks. Like at Bank of America (who closed several branches in my area just recently both before and during the pandemic), who helped collect and dispense the money from the government stimulus bill and charged big fees for doing so. Yet hard working, blue collar Americans are living paycheck to paycheck more than ever before.

I'm angry that America purports to be the greatest nation on Earth (just ask any Trump follower) and yet we trail absolute last as far as quality of life is concerned among developed countries. We have no universal health care (although Obamacare was a good start but give these assholes in power now another year or so and they'll dismantle what's left of it) so the average person, even those who have benefits because of their job like me, won't seek medical attention unless they're deathly ill because they don't want to go bankrupt paying for a kidney stone. I know. I have horrible, horrible teeth. They need EXTENSIVE work. But the dental care at my job is almost nil, so I have to choose whether or not I want to buy a new pair of shoes I need or skip the next six pairs of shoes to have my teeth worked on. Most companies aren't even supplying benefits anymore. They hire only part time workers to get around that. Most people can't pay the rent in a one room apartment with a single income salary. This doesn't sound great by anyone's standards.

I'm angry because it took 50 years almost for my community to gain the right to marry, and there are still assholes in every state trying to wipe that right from the books and fighting against any and all equality laws. This should not be normal in 2020. Queer people should not live in fear of being fired because they're queer, which in a pretty large percentage of states is still something that could legally happen.

I'm angry because all it took was one mass shooting in Canada and within 1 week they had banned all automatic weapons. Because that's what a sane country should do. Not have protests by assholes who can't stand to have their toys taken away. In America, 30 dead children still wasn't enough to make us question whether or not automatic weapons should be available to purchase. That is not normal.

I'm angry because, as a lifelong cinema goer, I was disheartened this week to find out via an email that one theater chain sent out to test the waters as to what people are willing to tolerate when they open up again, they plan to add all kinds of nonsensical fees to a ticket price. A lot of people already don't go to the movies anymore because between the asshole noisemakers and expensive seats and expensive popcorn, they can't afford it. Now, when theaters should essentially be BEGGING to have all of us return and see a movie in their theater, they've decided to tack on a mandatory food fee and mandatory extra seat fee. So for me, even if I'm seeing a movie alone, I'll still have to buy 2 seats AND food. It'll be $50 per person by the time they're through. Fuck that.

But I don't reserve all of my anger for external forces. I'm angry at myself as well. I could be keeping fairly active and walking even in quarantine, or cleaning. But instead I eat buttloads of snacks and sleep and waste untold amounts of time. I'm being hard on myself a bit. Listening to new music is good for the soul, as is watching a really good series or movie. But I still get angry. So I understand people who repress decades of pent up anger and then flip out one day and start shooting up a mall. I would never do something like that. Ever. I simply have too much empathy for other people. I might kill somebody who had wronged me personally, don't discount that, but as far as mercilessly killing strangers? Never. And yet I understand the anger and the catharsis they're looking for. I'm hoping to solve many of these issues come November when I'll be casting my vote for ANYONE who is not named Trump. For the others, there's always time and the looming end of the quarantine which brings all new sorts of problems but I digress. Personally, this has probably made my problems seem much greater than they actually are. No one needs to worry. I am fine. I'm just angry occasionally. So if you see me gritting my teeth, it's either time to put that sixth fucking pack of toilet paper back, or offer me a smile to help ease my smile in return.